Day 45: "Who are you, what have you sacrificed?"

 

I just finished watching and listening to the 2012 Arena performance of Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Jesus Christ Superstar".  This is how I started my birthday today.  My husband was still sleeping and I watched it in my office on my computer with head phones.  What's the saying?... "I still have goosebumps."  Wow.  What an incredible performance and the amazing vocals of Tim Minchin are what inspired me to add this to my birthday celebration.  

I am a big Tim Minchin fan... and he knocked this one out of the park.  He is joined by an amazing cast and amazing performances by Ben Forster as Jesus and Melanie C. as Mary Magdalene.  

I'm not a big opera fan, but I just added this to my collection of movie favourites.  

This is now my favourite Jesus movie.  Why?  Because the show ends and they don't bring him back to life.  There is no resurrection of Jesus... but Judas came back to life... or did he?  Very artistic and poetic justice.    This wouldn't do good in the marketing department of Christianity.  But this is art at it's best.  

A lot of lines stick out for me, but this one sticks out the most.  "Who are you, what have you sacrificed?"  Profound question.  Some would say not much... Matt Dillahunty commented that Jesus "had a bad weekend".  Was that really a sacrifice?  I guess we'll never really know.  We are all two thousand years past the story.  

* * * 

I wanted to conclude Authentic Lent with Tim, because of my planned watching of JSC... but also because I wanted to end it with music.  The deep dive into all the incredible minds has been great, but I need to let my mind rest and allow my body to move with the music.  I will conclude with some of my favourite Tim Minchin songs.  He has been an incredible influence both with music and with his intellect.  I think I will be watching JSC at least one more time today if not twice.  

The Good Book

Upright Piano Scene

Play it Safe

Carry you

The Aeroplane

Absence of You

Day 45: 2022 - "Good Friday - Being the Resurrection" 

Day 45: 2023 - "Bad Friday" 

Day 44: Atheism for Lent: Going somewhere deeper together

ATHEISM FOR LENT

This was the invitation I got two years ago... an invite to experience the "Dark night of the soul".  Peter Rollins had been inviting people on this journey for two decades.  I was interested.  I still had a foot in the door of Christianity and the other foot was on the way out.  I had more than questions, I had a struggle for identity.  I wanted to know who I was without the chief narrative that seemed to define me for more than fifty years.  

Over the last forty four days, I have been journeying back and reading my journal entries from Atheism for Lent.  2022 is a different year than 2023.  There was different material in the course and I had undergone a ritual at the end of Lent in 2022 that made the journey in 2023 very different.  I had experienced, as Pete Rollins calls it, "The Death of God".  

"The Death of God" is not the same as white washing the whole narrative as a fantasy.  It wasn't a fantasy for me, it was real as much as I could have experienced real at the time.  I had no doubts for decades that something was amiss. I can't remember the struggles.  But there was a death, a tragic death, that took time to unfold.  Atheism for Lent helped give a voice to that tragedy.  

Pete Rollins didn't just offer wisdom, he provided community for those "decentering".  It was in the community that I found others who needed to navigate their loss of "God".  I saw some who tracked well, and others that struggled with the material.  It wasn't always easy to process the AFL course readings.  Some of my blog posts will attest to that.  But I was encouraged at the perseverance that others had to keep going.  

I didn't go through the course this year.  I think it had something to do with my birthday landing on the last day of Lent... Bad Friday (My new term for it... I figured Jesus wouldn't agree with the "Good" Friday label either). I wanted to do something different.  To discover the voices that added something to my Atheist journey.  It was a different Atheism for Lent that Pete would have offered, but I would still like to thank him for the inspiration to go deeper.  And going deeper together is better than going deeper alone.  So I came back to this blog and shared my journey with those who were willing to be a part of it.  

Today is fifteen years since my husband and I got married.  Fifteen years ago, I started on a journey with a former co-worker of mine and I am still travelling with him.  It's not always a bed of roses as most married couples will attest to, but what I have experienced is something better than a bed of roses... it's all about "going somewhere deeper together".  

When Atheism isn't Atheistic enough: Radical Theology and the Death of God. 

Day 44: 2022 - "Go in Pieces and wash some feet"

Day 44: 2023 - "Sad Easter"

Day 43: Humanize Me

It was Drew Marshall that introduced me to Bart Campolo.  His first interview on the Drew Marshall show was ten years ago.  It was four years ago when I picked up Bart's book that he wrote with his dad.  (see first book blog post on "Why I left, Why I stayed").  I then found his podcast "Humanize Me".  It wasn't long until I joined up to support him and then had access to a wealth of information and content, including ten hours of conversations Bart had with his dad that led to the documentary "Leaving my Father's Faith" .  

I was still hanging on to Jesus as a somewhat real entity in my life when all this exposure to Bart happened.  I can't say that Bart's podcast or story influenced me away from Christianity, but as I floated farther and farther away from the security of those beliefs, Bart offered a life preserver for me.  For that I am grateful.  Life could continue to have meaning for me.  I just had to make meaning myself instead of finding it in an external source.  

I reread Bart's book in summer of 2022. (see post here).  This time I was on a three day camping trip in the bush and without access to electronics.  I discovered so much more peace in the story and a greater connection to Bart's story that I did the first time around.  

Here are some podcast interviews that Bart had that I found inspirational and enlightening.   

Graceful Atheist interview with Bart Campolo

Harmonic Atheist Interview with Bart Campolo

* * * 

I still don't feel comfortable with the "Humanist" label for myself.  It still seems limiting.  I am still looking for a positive identity for me that includes more than just my humanity, even though it is a very important part of the picture.  I want to be seen not just for my humanity, but for how I fit in to the bigger picture of the world and cosmos around me.  Maybe one day I will find a better label than agnostic atheist... I'm still waiting. 

I also want to give a shout out to the Humanize Me Facebook group.  It is Bart who understood and emphasized the importance of community after Christianity.  I really am part of a bigger whole.  I really am ... "not alone". 

 

Here is one of my favourite interviews that Bart has on "Humanize Me"... with his friend Peter Rollins.  I will be highlighting Pete and his Pyrotheology tomorrow. 

Humanize me: Bart interviews Peter Rollins

Day 43: 2022 - "Unplug the Machines, Let him go!"

Day 43: 2023 - "Toxic Tulips" 

Day 42: The Graceful Atheist

"My name is David, and I am trying to be 'The Graceful Atheist'" David Ames

I was nervous on the morning of my "Graceful Atheist" podcast interview.  About two years ago, I decided to tell my story on the podcast... (or the parts of the story that would seem tellable at the time. ) I had never been on a podcast before.  There was enough encouragement from the Deconversion Anonymous Facebook community that it would be alright.  

I went to my mom's farm for the interview and was thankful that she had somewhere else to be that morning.  I had notes that I could follow, but somehow understood that I would probably veer off track quite easily.  I think I made a list of the stories I didn't want to tell, more than the stories I wanted to share.  

David made it easy for me to vomit my life.  He was the first person to offer me a space to share my story.  There was no judgement, no concern... only encouragement, understanding and time.  He took the time to hear what I had to say.  I can't say it was at all a polished interview on my part.. but for my first attempt it was okay.  (Some of those stories that I didn't want to tell... came out anyway) 

Ruby Gets Real Graceful Atheist Interview.  June 19, 2022

Two years ago, I was still up in the air about labelling myself an atheist.  I was okay with agnostic, but the atheist label was still a challenge for me to accept.  As I read through my Authentic Lent 2022 posts, I can see the struggle to let go of my theist roots.  But as 2023 comes around, the struggle seemed to dissipate.  

David was so encouraging to help me understand that where I was... was okay.  After the interview, and while listening to other interviews, I got the peace that I just need to be who I am where I am and when I am.   David is the "Graceful Atheist"... and now I am the "Grateful Atheist".  I am grateful for the opportunity to share what I could of some of my journey, and I am grateful for the community that came along with the podcast.  

For more of David's story, here is a podcast that he did on Harmonic Atheist.  

"Christianity kept falling apart and eventually it was 'game over'". David Ames

* * * 

The Deconversion Anonymous Facebook group has been an oasis for me. I still feel alone in my own community.  The known"atheist" friends I have, I can count on one hand.  I shared my interview with two people... and one was a pastor friend of mine that I went to school with.  

The podcast is currently taking a break from producing episodes, but there is a wealth of interviews for anyone's listening encouragement and inspiration.  Here are some past episodes that I found particularly helpful and inspiring. 

Bart Campolo

Sasha Sagan

Darrel Ray: Recovering From Religion

Daniel: Psychology of Apologetics

Rachel Hunt: Recovering from Religion

I would recommend both "The Graceful Atheist" podcast and the Facebook community "Deconversion Anonymous" to anyone who needs a safe place to come to through deconstruction and after deconversion.  Sometimes it just takes one story to remind you that you are not alone.  

Day 42: 2022 - Blisters on my Brain

Day 42: 2023 - "Tasting the Pain" 

Day 41: Secular Spirituality with Sam Harris

"Dear Reader—

I have been waiting for more than a decade to write Waking Up. Long before I saw any reason to criticize religion (The End of Faith, Letter to a Christian Nation), or to connect moral and scientific truths (The Moral Landscape, Free Will, Lying), I was interested in the nature of human consciousness and the possibility of “spiritual” experience. In Waking Up, I do my best to show that a certain form of spirituality is integral to understanding the nature of our minds.

There is no discrete self or ego living like a minotaur in the labyrinth of the brain. And the feeling that there is—the sense of being perched somewhere behind your eyes, looking out at a world that is separate from yourself—can be altered or entirely extinguished. Although such experiences of “self-transcendence” are generally thought about in religious terms, there is nothing, in principle, irrational about them. From both a scientific and a philosophical point of view, they represent a clearer understanding of the way things are.

My hope is that Waking Up will help readers see the nature of their own minds in a new light. A rational approach to spirituality seems to be what is missing from secularism and from the lives of most of the people I meet. The purpose of this book is to offer readers a clear view of the problem, along with some tools to help them solve it for themselves.

I sincerely hope you find it useful."

Sam Harris

* * * 

It's Monday morning and I am having a hard time waking up... so it's not a big surprise that Sam's book sparked my attention this morning when I went into my Books on my Mac to see if I could download it.  I think my Apple "Books" is having a hard time waking up too.  I can't get the book downloaded even on my Iphone.  Oh well.  I am still in the middle of reading Abby Hafer and Neil DeGrasse Tyson's books.  I guess Sam will have to wait.  

I get to confess this morning that I haven't read a single book from any of the Four Horseman... Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett and Sam Harris.  I have no excuses to present at this time... but maybe I can eventually get around to getting a book from Sam on my read (as in past tense) list.   Out of those four, Sam Harris has been the most inspirational for me.  The whole idea of spirituality still intrigues me.  I don't want to toss that baby out with the religious bathwater.  I like the idea of still being able to connect with the universe... maybe not in a ritualistic way, but in a thoughtful meditative way. 

I just had some bacon and eggs and feel a little more rejuvenated.   I pulled out a spring inspired puzzle and am separating the pieces.  I just listened to Sam Harris talk about secular spirituality and mindfulness.  I think I am ready to take on the day!  

"Consciousness is the one thing in this universe, including the universe,  that cannot be an illusion." Sam Harris

"Waking up" with Sam Harris

Day 41: 2022 - "I'm Okay" 

Day 41: 2023 - "Finding Figment" 

Day 40: Blucky

Day 40: 2022  - "Poplar Sunday"

Day 40: 2023 - "The Holy Hole" 

Two years ago, I renamed today "Poplar Sunday.  As I explain in my 2022 post, I was looking for something more fitting my time and place on this planet.  

This morning I was out in the hot tub trying to figure out what my last Sunday post of Advent would be.  When I got out, I saw the sunrise peaking through the poplar trees on the other side of the highway.  I went inside to get my camera and record the moment for my blog.  

There are still no leaves on the trees, but the morning sun breaking through adds life to the otherwise lifeless looking trees.  I guess that is all I can hope for at this time of year. 

I have five more days after today to share inspiring voices that have helped me along my journey.  I have saved the best for the last.  These are the pivotal people and their communities that have been the core inspiration and guidance for me for the last few years.  The bulk of my gratitude lies with these five people... but not just people... some are so much more than just their individual contributions.  Three of the five offered communities where I could find an oasis from a confusing world and it's demands on my certainty.  I am more indebted to the communities than to the individuals, but thankful for the individuals for leading me to the communities.  

On line communities are much like those poplar trees across from my house.  Sometimes I hope for something closer to me with more life, so the hugs could be felt instead of just interpreted through emojis.  They are there, but not in the fullness of what could be.  I am so grateful for the on line connections, but honestly... they still leave an emptiness in me.  Most are people far away that I will never see in my life time.  They may think a lot like me, but they won't see my tears when my world collapses.  

So I am left to find that space with those who wonder if I am okay.  I am left to hug and share my tears with Christians.  But I am thankful that most of the Christians in my life are still there to offer hugs and share tears with no requirement that I conform to their belief systems.  

I am truly "blucky"... a new word for me... a combination of blessed and lucky.  It brings together the religious "blessed" and the secular "lucky".  I figure I need something in between those two worlds to define how I feel.  

blessed: bringing pleasure, contentment, or good fortune

lucky: producing or resulting in good by chance 

blucky: Maybe I'm lucky, maybe I'm blessed, but I don't want to waste my time trying to figure out which one... so I will be blucky.  

(Note: I did google "blucky" and found that someone else merged blessed and lucky together back in 2019.  Oh well... so it's not original.  No worries.  It still works.) 

Day 39: HAPPY INTERNATIONAL ATHEIST DAY! March 23 (#ATHEISTDAY)

 

"We atheists and atheist allies hereby declare that from now on, March 23rd is Atheist Day. We recognize the struggle of atheists to live authentic lives in many parts of the world. The struggle to openly affirm one’s atheism. The fear of intolerant governments, mobs, and religious zealots.

This struggle often includes the risk of professional, social and familial ostracization. Sometimes, this authenticity results in paying the ultimate price — one’s life. Many of our brethren have been brutally murdered for professing the very principles that this day represents: the freedom of and from religion, the right to be free of discrimination and persecution, and the freedom to profess one’s beliefs.

Many of us happily interact with people whom we admire and trust who unbeknownst to us, are closeted atheists. The world is full of atheists who are silent about their true convictions. Why? Simply this: a fear of reprisal and discrimination based on misinformation, ranging from the subtle to the life-threatening.

People should not be persecuted for their lack of belief in a god or a religion. That’s all we’re asking.

Some people however, believe that disagreeing with deeply held beliefs is hate. But it’s not.

We wish to remind our fellow human beings that many of the most powerful ideas — ideas that changed our world — were once heretical.

Many of the most radical thinkers and reformists in past eras were blasphemers against the established order of their day. "

 (Taken from the Declaration on the Atheist Republic Website) 

Today, March 23,  is International Atheist Day.  After perusing the internet, I found that there is a symbol for Atheist Day - a green circle.  I have been collecting puzzle pieces for a while from puzzles I didn't finish.  Instead of throwing them out... I just started collecting them.  I can fill a mop bucket with the amount of discarded puzzle pieces I have.  I went through my collection last night and pulled out all the green pieces, so I could make my own green circle in honour of Atheists day.  

I don't know how I will spend today... but I am glad I have at least this place to share my creative efforts.  Other than my online communities, I don't have many people I can share this day with.  But I want to honour it for all the people around the world that are at great risk for being atheists.  I'm not one of them.  I have caused sadness in my circles by leaving Christianity... but no one is arresting me, throwing me in prison, or executing me... just because I don't believe in the  "Christian God" or "Allah".  

Jigsaw puzzling for me is like being an atheist.  I have connections on line and across the world, but in my own community at home... there are not that many that I can share my passion with.  So I mostly puzzle alone.  I wish I could puzzle more with others, just like I wish I could go to Bahacon and connect with other secular minds and hearts.  But for now... I will share what I can and be grateful that so many others are out there giving a voice to make Atheism acceptable and normal in our society.  

I found some videos marking March 23 as Atheist Day going back to 2019.  So with these voices, I want to add my own.  

"Happy Atheist Day... and let's hope and work toward a day when all humans will find a common ground of love for each other... just because we are human!

#ATHEISTDAY MARCH 23RD. (2019) 

HAPPY ATHEIST DAY "LET'S NORMALIZE ATHEISM 2022

ATHEIST DAY: MARCH 23, 2021

MARCH 23 IS ATHEIST DAY (2022)! 

INTERNATIONAL ATHEIST DAY (2022) Seth Andrews

THE BEST OF ATHEIST DAY 2023

HAPPY ATHEIST DAY 2024 from the Atheist Community of Austin

Youtube "#AtheistDay" Collection

Day 39: 2022 - "Mike and Bart Debate"

Day 39: 2023 - "A Day for Fools" 

Day 38: Matt Dillahunty: Abrasive and Compassionate

"We're not saying it wasn't God, we are saying there's no reason to think it was God.  That's different. " Matt Dillahunty

The first time I saw Matt Dillahunty on the Youtube screen, I didn't even know he was who he was.  It wasn't until I revisited the same video just recently that I realized I had seen him years ago.   Matt moderated the debate with Bart Ehrman and Robert Price on the subject "Did Jesus Exist?".  

Matt came across my viewing screen in the last year when I found "The Atheist Experience" and "The Line" call in shows. (the same shows that introduced me to Forrest Valkai) 

I'll be honest.  I mostly prefer Forrest's interactions with theists on those shows more than I do Matt's.  How do I say this without casting a shadow on what can be very enlightening conversations? Matt can be abrasive.  Maybe it's just my personality that gets a little turned off at that approach.  I watch sometimes just to toughen my skin, but his aggressive reactions are not my favourite Matt Dillahunty performances.  

I much prefered Matt in his stage conversations with Jordan Peterson and Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins.  He seems a lot more calm.  I don't blame him for getting riled up at a good number of the callers into the shows.  Some of the stupidity that comes across in those conversations would boil anyone's blood... and he gets some of the same responses over and over again.  But he keeps doing it and I have to give him credit for his resilience to religious ignorance. 

But I did catch an interview where Matt's compassion overrode his low tolerance for uninformed and uncooperative theists.  

 

"How can anyone be an Atheist?" /  The Atheist Experience

Every once in a while, I catch a conversation where Matt is genuinely compassionate for the caller.  Those conversations I like to listen to.  Maybe it is a better energy for me, but I am also drawn into the compassion for what is simple ignorance because the person wasn't exposed to another perspective.  

Matt has been an atheist influencer for more than two decades.  His insight and understanding is valuable for anyone wanting to learn more about life after theism.  

Here are a couple of talks I enjoyed that Matt shares from his Atheist Debates project.  

Atheist Debates: A discussion about Hell

Atheist Debates: But that's the Old Testament

Day 38: 2022 - "Questions to ask Bart and Mike tomorrow"

Day 38: 2023 - "What's so "good" about Good Friday?"

Day 37: I am a part of the web of life. (Evolution Education with Forrest Valkai)

 

"This planet and every living thing on it and every atom in it … and every force acting upon it are all inseparably connected and this is the greatest lesson in all of biology.  You are a part of the tree of life. You are related to every living thing around you. You are one link in a chain that extends for billions of years all leading up to you… and you are also part of the web of life.  You rely on the existence of countless other organisms to survive and countless other organisms rely on you just the same. This entire biosphere is just as much a part of you as you are a part of it.  All the laws of physics and chemistry that form this planet and that continue to shape it today are also acting on every atom in your body at this very moment,  just as they have for your ancestors and your relatives for billions of years.  You are a character in an epic and ongoing story and whether you like it or not you are a shaper in that story and now you have the opportunity to see that story in a brand new light ...  in the light of

evolution."  Forrest Valkai

This could be the answer to mother's ever present question.  "How do you do it without Jesus?"  

I was looking on Youtube this week for material on Forrest Valkai.  I found an interview on an unknown-to-me channel that was a great introduction to who Forrest is.   

Atheism with Forrest Valkai 

I was introduced to Forrest Valkai on a couple channels that he participates in... The Atheist Experience and The Line.  Both are call-in shows where people (mostly theists) call in to talk to atheists about almost anything.  Sometimes the conversations can get heated, but sometimes they can be very educational.  Forrest has offered a great deal in the educational department.  I admire his understanding of biology and evolution.  

During the interview, he mentioned a video series he did called The Light of Evolution.  I listened to those four videos yesterday and was amazed at how much I could understand.  There was a lot of biological data that was somewhat intense, but the flow was amazing and I didn't feel lost in all the details.  

I don't remember much about my high school biology class, but I don't think we covered evolution in my Lutheran boarding school.  I only remember evolution as a subject in Grade 7.  I wish I could remember more.  Maybe the directive at my high school was to talk about natural processes in light of creation and God.  So we could still observe onion cells in microscopes and dissect frogs, but it all pointed back to creation... not evolution.  

I still don't understand the whole of everything.  Evolution makes more sense, the more I get to learn about it.  Discarding the whole idea that the bible stories were mostly factual helped to provide room for a different narrative that made more sense.  Maybe I still can't prove it in my own space with my own brain... but I am okay to ride the wave with people like Forrest Valkai who can provide more momentum in the flow of understanding.  

Back to my mother's question.  This is how I do it without Jesus.  I feel like I am a part of something so much bigger than I ever did when I was a Christian.  I am connected to nature.  I am related to the critters around me.  How awesome is that!  I feel a lot less alone now.  Guilt and shame are not a part of this narrative, only belonging.  I don't have a temperamental father deciding my fate based on what I can or can't believe about him.  I belong because I am.  I matter because I exist in this time and space.  I am a part of the web of life.  

Day 37: 2022 - "God is on the Bathroom Floor (by Nightbirde)"

Day 37: 2023 - " Two Flowers" 

Day 36: If you had the data... would it matter?

 "If you look at the research, God is the world's busiest abortionist."  Dr. Abby Hafer

The Not-So-Intelligent Designer (With Dr.  Abby Hafer) 

After listening to Dr. Abby Hafer's interview with Seth Andrews... that is the quote that stuck with me.  She goes into more detail about what happens in the female reproductive system to bring light the fact that about a quarter of fertilized embryos never make it to being a baby.  And that doesn't even include human initiated abortions.  

I downloaded her book yesterday  "The Not-So-Intelligent Designer" and have made it to Chapter 7 already.  It seems simple when one has access to the data available, that some things would just make more sense.  Dr Hafer provides incredible data on the human body and why that data would bring into question the idea of an "intelligent designer".  

Why would a God, marketed as Love, put human testicles on the outside of the male body?  Dr. Hafer refers to other warm blooded critters that have them in side the body cavity in not such a vulnerable place.  So it's not that it wouldn't have been possible, had men been built by an all powerful deity.  It just brings into question the compassion of that all powerful deity.  

"... the bird's testicles are safe inside him, where a vulnerable organ ought to be.  So -- does the Designer like birds better than us? Or did God make birds in his image?  In other words, is the Designer a turkey?" Dr Abby Hafer

But does the data matter to the average believer in an "Intelligent Designer"?  Maybe it's why most stay clear of the data.  It would be far beyond their comfort zone if what really matters is their belief in "God".  

 Abby Hafer: Animals That Shouldn’t Exist, According to Intelligent Design (AHA Conference 2016)

Day 36: 2022 - "What is Truth?" 

Day 36: 2023 - "Sharing Space" 

Day 35: My first encounter with an Atheist Influencer

Hemant Mehta's Website

It was around 2007 when I gave a copy of Hemant Mehta's book to my Pentecostal pastor -   "I sold my soul on Ebay".  It was my first serious connection to an atheist voice.  Maybe over the years I bumped into atheists, but conversations never revealed any identities that made me interested enough to invite their voice into my space.  Not until I got my hands on Hemant's book, did I allow any atheist voice to grab my interest.  

I remember giving the book to my pastor and feeling like it was an invitation to listen to a voice I had long been discouraged to ignore.  Hemant's book came across my reading list again two years ago.  I was a different person and the book gave me an insight that I didn't have in 2007.  

Rereading and rediscovering the heart behind "I SOLD MY SOUL ON BAY" by Hemant Mehta

Hemant posted some short and fun videos on The Atheist Voice Youtube Channel.  I found them easier to chew on than a long dissertation.  Sometimes... we just our wisdom fed to us in point form.  

The first three videos I found were about communication between Christians and Atheists.  

"15 Things Christians say to Atheists (And Shouldn't)"

"6 Things Never to Say to Christians" 

"9 Things Atheists Should Stop Saying" 

The last two videos I picked were very entertaining.  Hemant encourages the listeners to think about things they were never ask to think about before deconversion.  "What's up with Heaven?"  and "Let's talk logistics, Noah."

"43 Questions about Heaven" 

"39 Problems with Noah's Ark Story" 

Hemant is the only speaker that will be attending both the BAHACON conference in Sarnia and the Western Canadian Reason Conference in Calgary.  I wish I could go. 

* * * 

Day 35: 2022 - "The Meaning of Mystery" 

Day 35: 2023 - "Creeds" 

Day 34: Get there on your own terms

" Keeping other people comfortable, I don't think is a great way to carve the path of one's life.  Because then you're living for them more than you are living for you. And I know you are weighing the cost benefit, but the truth is, I think an authentic life is always worth living.  

Don't be religious because they are and you don't want to ruffle feathers and you don't want to cause friction.  If they are uncomfortable about your path, that says more about them than it says about you.  So I would wish you an authentic life... take the journey... Just get there on your own terms and live your own life instead of living for others.  That would be my encouragement." Seth Andrews

I discovered that bit of wisdom yesterday when I was listening to "The Line" Youtube interview that Seth Andrews and Forrest Valkai were having with a call in guest by the name of Vihaan. 

Theist Spars w/ Atheists on Burden of Proof, Depression & Evolution | Forrest Valkai + Seth Andrews  

(Seth's quote is at the 7:24 minute mark in the video) 

 Vihaan was struggling to be around his religious family and but not totally embracing their religious ideas.  He found himself needing to "believe" because the cost of not believing was to lose his connection to his family and community.  Seth's words were timely.  I understand the struggle.  I feel I am beyond needing to be someone I am not with my family, but I don't think that I am who I am with them either.  I do understand the part of "weighing the cost benefit".  It's not an easy and Seth Andrews knows the cost.  

Seth was a Christian broadcaster in his other "life".  He knows the pain of leaving Christianity and has been on the journey of being authentic, but at a great cost.  Seth is getting "there" on his own terms and encouraging others to do the same.  

Seth is now the host of the Podcast "The Thinking Atheist".  He has given a platform for others to be authentic.  I have already shared clips in other posts from "The Thinking Atheist" Youtube channel, where Seth gives people the space to share their story.  

What I admire so much about Seth is that his voice didn't just reach to the atheists, but out farther those who are still Christians but have family members who have deconverted.  One of my favourite Seth Andrews messages is "Letters to a Christian Spouse"  which he addresses not just to Christian Spouses of Deconverted Christians, but family members in general.  He understands that a person's deconstruction and deconversion journey leaves a tornado path for their family.  It was a great encouragement that I hope reaches the ears of those people still hurting at the "betrayal" of their apostate loved ones.  

I want to "get there on my own terms"... and maybe I can with a little encouragement from voices like Seth's.   

Day 34: 2022 - "Embracing what I had with what I have now." 

Day 34: 2023 - "The torment of saying nothing." 

Day 33: Confessions of a Former Conference Junkie

Confession: I used to be a conference junkie.  I adored big gatherings of a lot of people and famous people showing up to entertain and educate us minions that paid big bucks to attend.  Most of the conferences I attended were in my Christian youth.  It was my drug of choice.  I guess I can be grateful.  It saved me from a lot worse addictions that were floating around during the late eighties.  

I was socially challenged back then and it gave me an opportunity to be around people but not in an an intimate gathering way.  The music was intoxicating and the speakers were gods in a way.  What they said was gold for a teenager trying to find her way in a world that didn't always invite her into it's space.  

Fast forward thirty years and I find myself feeling that addiction again.  Only this time,  I don't have the opportunity to ditch my life and hop on a plane to Ontario... or even Calgary.  

But that doesn't mean I can share space in Authentic Lent for two conferences that I wish I could go to. 

* * *  

Let's talk BAHACON in Sarnia.  I have already highlighted this past month four of the faces on the poster.  Kate Cohen, Joshua Bowen and Megan Lewis and David Fitzgerald.   The lineup is incredible and it's in Canada!!! Can it get any better than that?  Well, maybe... it could be closer... like Edmonton.  But even if it came to Edmonton, there might be a challenge for me to attend.  That would be a little farther from my closet than I am comfortable going right now.  

This week I have more of the BAHACON speakers on my lineup.  Seth Andrews, Hehmant Mehta and Abby Hafer.  (and maybe even a few more.) 

As much as I am oogling over the lineup of speakers, I know that the most value for me would be to find myself in a place around other people that may have a similar journey.  Maybe there are others who go to a conference like this to find kindred spirits.  Maybe there are more closet dwellers like me that just want to have a weekend outside of their secrets to experience acceptance and understanding for who they have become.  I hope some find there way to BAHACON then.  I hope others can find the freedom to be who they are and find friendships that they can take away from the event.  

* * * 

A little closer to home, there is another conference.  But for me... still too far away to invest in attending.  Western Canadian Reason 2024 Conference is in Calgary.  This one was more tempting as I could have done a day trip to "Cowtown" for the Saturday.  But it still requires a farther journey from my closet that I can go right now.  It means outing myself officially. 

Now technically, I've already outed myself with my blog writing... but most of my family and friends don't come here to read my thoughts.  I can't even name one that wants to risk climbing over the barbed wire fence in to my world.  

Maybe one day I will find myself on a plane to Sarnia to BAHACON, or even find myself driving to Calgary to connect with the Rocky Mountain Atheists.  I hope so.  I think there are a lot of amazing people that show up at these conferences, and I would be very lucky, even "blessed" to meet them.  

Day 33: 2022: A God I can Hug.

Day 33: 2023: Words can still be beautiful

Day 32: Did Jesus exist? And do I really care about the answer?

Bible Secret #5:  I found the Bible boring.  No, wait... that's not much of a secret.  Even my Mom figured that out.   But what I did when I found the Bible boring... now that is Secret #5.  

I became a bible hoarder.  My answer to the boredom of the bible was just to change versions.  Maybe the bible itself wasn't boring... maybe just the translations were dry.  So I would pick up a new translation and that would revive my interest for a while.  But it didn't take long and that book, or library of books, would dry up again.  I kept finding new ways to be bored and new translations or paraphrases wouldn't help.  I even attempted to learn Greek, so I could read the New Testament in its original language.  That was an unfulfilled challenge, but maybe the most heart felt one.  I still have my Greek New Testament... I didn't give it away yet.  

The last translation I tried was just a few years ago.  "The First Nations Version"  New Testament.  I thought this might be the one that would end the dryness.  It changed the names of the main characters and changed the oppressive language.  It seemed even more inviting than my experience with the Message... which was a translation that held my attention for the longest time.  Eventually, I let go of that one too.  When I woke up and found myself 2000 years past the story... I couldn't be inspired anymore.  

 * * * 

I am 2000 years past the story.   So with that fact in mind, I ask myself... What really matters?  How can we really know that the man that Christianity is built on really was someone who walked the planet?  Most bible scholars are convinced that Jesus existed.  Even Atheist Bible Scholar Bart Ehrman is convinced that someone existed that eventually became the model that Christianity was built on.  But not everyone is convinced.  

Richard Carrier and David Fitzgerald were two voices that peaked my interest as of late.  After a few years of being a Bart Ehrman fan, I wanted to listen to their side of the story.  Why were they not convinced that there was an actual man that the stories were based on.  Was Jesus all myth and no man?  Carrier and Fitzgerald seem to think so.  

I mentioned during Day 28 that there was one issue I had with Bart Ehrman that led to my disinterest in pursuing his influence in my life.  He still has amazing stuff out there and is a good resource I would still recommend.  I just didn't like his distaste for the mythicist perspective.  It seemed to me that Bart was mocking that perspective as having no place in biblical scholarship.  It drove me to listen more to the mythicist perspective and my understanding is that there is a lot less certainty in the mythicist view than there is in Ehrman's take on Jesus existence.  I guess it's the certainty that sours my palate now.  I am 2000 years past the story... we all are... we can't really "know"... we can only guess and eventually only believe.  

I will share the interviews these two mythicists had with Seth Andrews on The Thinking Atheist and then conclude with my conclusion about the second question in my title... because I don't think I can answer the first.  

                    Richard Carrier

                            Mystery Faith Pt 1 

                    David Fitzgerald

                            Mystery Faith Pt 2

* * *

Do I really care about the answer? 

The simple answer is no.  I just admitted that the actual written story had a difficult time holding my interest for so many years.  I could remember the stories, but did they actually mean something to me?  Could I even relate to them as humans.  The answer to that is no.  I admitted in one of my bible secrets that I thought the bible characters weren't human like me.  I couldn't relate to them.  They couldn't connect with me in my space.  It may be why I lost interest.  

I am still hoping one day that I can connect again with the words as literature, even though they hold no power for me anymore.  Maybe one day.  But not today.  

Day 32: 2022 - "Can I be like Mother Teresa?"

Day 32: 2023 - "The Nugget I hung in there for." 

Day 31: Why are Atheists still reading the Bible?

Bible Secret #4:  I went to Bible School, but not because I wanted to study the Bible.  The original plan after High School was to study Agriculture.  I had two options I was considering.  Olds College in Olds, Alberta and the University of Saskatchewan (U of S) in Saskatoon.  There was one major issue when it came to choosing and in 1987, I didn't choose either one and it was all because of two male classmates that I didn't want to go to school with again.  I had spent three years in boarding school with Dave and Rob and I had no desire to continue education with either one of them.  Rob was going to U of S in Agriculture and Dave was going to Olds College.  I decided to got to Camrose to Bible School instead.  There were also some of my classmates that were going as well, so it seemed like a good choice at the time.  But it had nothing to do with the Bible or my desire to figure out what that book meant to me.  Technically, according to the understood protocol at the time, I wasn't even a Christian.   But later I would be excited to admit that "I got saved at Bible School".  I just wish I could have seen the irony in that statement at the time.  I did get my chance to go to Olds College in 1990 and I graduated in 1992 with a Diploma in Agricultural Production... which was more than I got at Bible School... because I dropped out in my second year. 

* * * 

The only reason I am even aware of Dr. Joshua Bowen is because of his wife, Megan Lewis, co-host of Bart Ehrman's Podcast "Misquoting Jesus".  But I have to admit, at the time, he seemed to be too heady for me to investigate, until he showed up on the lineup of BAHACON.  Then I figured that he must be someone who was reaching out to the less educated folks like me.  

Dr. Bowen's and Megan's intellectual focus is in the study of ancient Iraq, or Assyria.  But Dr Bowen has a vested interest in helping atheists understand the bible.  That is what grabs me.  He is the author of "The Atheist's Guide to the Old Testament: Volumes 1 & 2"

I would like to get my hands on this collection, but my Apple Books still doesn't have the book version available for download, but the audio version narrated by Seth Andrews is available.  I'm just not much of a audio book enthusiast.  Even if it is Seth Andrews narrating. So I guess I will just have to wait.  

So the answer to my question "Why are Atheists still reading the Bible?" is more of a bone to throw out to the void in hopes someone can give me a better answer than my assumptions.  Bart Ehrman spends his life immersed in the Bible and it's history because of it's impact on culture.  Josh Bowen says his books are good for atheists to have an understanding of the context of the Old Testament when conversing with Christians.  The idea out there is that Atheists, especially Post-Christian Atheists, are more well read in the Bible than most Christians.  I would guess that now that the blinders are off, it's not as threatening to faith to read the text for what it offers.  

Here are some interviews with Dr. Joshua Bowen.  

Bible Scholar Dr. Joshua Bowen Leaves Christianity

The Atheist Handbook to the Old Testament: Volume One (With Dr. Joshua Bowen) 

Is Yahweh a Terrorist (with Dr. Josh Bowen)

Day 31: Death of God as Father and Mother

Day 31: I don't want to leave the ocean

Day 30: Bible Contradictions with Holy Koolaid

Bible Secret #3: I was raised believing the every book in the bible actually happened the way it was written.  I remember one moment as a young person as I was walking out in nature having a slightly disturbing thought in my head.   I had to conclude that the characters in the Bible lived when the laws of nature were different than they were in my time line.  I couldn't see a correlation between the magic of the bible and my life, but no one was telling me that it was possible that they were stories.  So my only way to navigate the difference as to why Peter could walk on water and I couldn't was that the laws of nature weren't same two thousand years ago.  So sometime after the bible stories,  nature changed and water wasn't walkable anymore.  

* * *

I discovered Thomas Westbrook  and his Youtube channel Holy Koolaid a couple of years ago.  He caught my attention with some of his videos.  I have my favourites, but since this week is about Bible Scholarship, I wanted to highlight a couple of videos that Thomas did on Bible Contradictions.  

12 Contradictions in the Bible 

13 More Contradictions in the Bible 

I remember a moment when I was at Bible School back in the late 80's when a friend of my roommate's came to visit.  A few of us were having a conversation about the bible, and I remember some of her words thirty five years later.  

"I don't know about the bible... there are so many contradictions ."  

It went something like that.  It was the first time that someone had suggested to me that the stories I grew up with and had been studying at the time were not always matching in their content.  I remember her words today, but back then, they didn't sink in.  No one else was telling me that there were contradictions that challenged the reality of the stories.  But I already admitted that reading the bible seriously wasn't a passion of mine.  I was only in Bible School because my other alternatives for education weren't an option for me at the time.  I breezed through without actually caring to dive deeper into the messiness of the Bible and the pastor teachers weren't encouraging me with an introduction to the mess.  

I am in my mid fifties now unable to understand why I couldn't connect the dots much earlier.  Why was it so easy to just assume that I had been given a flawless narrative?  Why was it so easy to accept as "truth"?  Where was my brain back then?  I wish I could go back and ask that girl what she was thinking and maybe I would discover that thinking wasn't a priority.  She wanted to play, enjoy the outdoors, connect with the animals around her.  School was boring; church was boring.  She just did that because her parents wanted her to do it.  I couldn't ask that girl to do any deep thinking back then... but I can do it for her now.  

Day 30: 2022 - "Looking for something a lot more simple" 

Day 30: 2023 - " Wolves in the Snow" 

Note:  This puzzle is still on my shelf awaiting the courage in me to start it.