"It was the beginning of a long period of nausea, in which the only thing greater than the pain of talking was the torment of saying nothing." Richard Boothby (Blown Away)
I decided to go in a different direction with Richard Boothby today. I have already heard his Wake discussions and found them fascinating. But something that catches my attention about Richard Boothby more than his philosophy. It is his story. Which is why I went to "Blown Away" instead of "Embracing the Void". I read the first two chapters and stopped. Do I really need to read another story of someone who's son died? Am I just torturing myself again. What exactly am I looking for in one more story? And then I found it in the above quote. I am still tormented by the silence.
If writing my story was enough, then I wouldn't be so tormented. I wrote my story. I just wasn't able to tell it. No...wait... it wasn't about me telling my story... it was about a story I am still waiting from them. There is the torment of silence. It was their son that died and it is their silence that torments me.
I can't ask my family to open up their wounds in order for my torment to end. I long for their story, but at what expense if they are not ready to tell it. I guess that's why I am still drawn to stories like Richard Boothby's. He was able to see that staying silent was worse than reliving his story in order to share it. If someone has gone through the agony of walking down those dark corridors in their memory, then maybe I can find time to embrace the holiness of their story. Maybe it isn't about how many more stranger's stories do I get to read before I can read the story of my own family. Maybe I get to keep reading one more because their story still matters to me.
