Leading up to 2024, I had imagined that the journey ended for me at Atheism. When I would become comfortable with that label, then I would arrive at the end. What was beyond Atheism? I couldn't imagine much. Oh, I heard stories of declared Atheists that became Christians. Names like Lee Strobel and Kirk Cameron come to mind. That seemed like a much different journey to me than the one that I was on. When someone starts out life removed from the Christian Narrative and then comes to find it beneficial for your life as an adult... that can't be compared to being born into a Narrative and spending most of one's life embracing one form or another of that narrative. When the walls, that have always been there, collapse, they can't just be rebuilt. Something new has to emerge.
It was Rob Bell that reminded me that life is lived forward in his Youtube Video "Everything is Spiritual" . There is no going back. There is only something beyond what I have now. So what does the journey look like now? Is there something beyond Atheism. If being atheist isn't the end, maybe I don't even have to stop there. I don't like to be defined by what I'm not in relation to something I used to be. I guess that is why I just came to an Agnostic understanding and that seemed better. But it is still not the end of the journey. Even saying that I was Agnostic Atheist only came out in one online community where others understood what that meant. I made it clear that the Atheism only applied to the "God" I embraced as reality for forty years. It had nothing to do with how I saw the birth of the cosmos. That was still Agnostic territory for me.
I have a feeling that living in the unknown will be a permanent thing for me. So maybe being Agnostic will still be part of what I wear, but I don't think it has to be the whole costume. And even saying that reminds me of what Todd McGowan shares in his book "Embracing Alienation" on identity. Identity is more like a costume that we put on our Authentic self. It's the face people see.
Atheism for Lent brings us to the end of "Atheism" or what Pete calls "The Negation" after week two. We still have three weeks to discover what lies beyond the Negation. This is my third time through Atheism for Lent... and I think it's the first time I am excited to get to what lies beyond. I am not scared of the possibility anymore because I am looking for something beyond now.
I don't think I will ever find myself fluent in the language of Pyrotheology. I am not here to learn a new language and sometimes that even detracts from what I am trying to learn by being a part of the AFL community. There is something here for me... but not everything. I admire what Peter Rollins has contributed to the story. I like that the whole journey is about becoming content with the holes. That is my story. I want to become content with the holes, because there is no filling them anymore. Those days of believing that are over for me. The holes are there to stay.
