Those were the words that came from the lips of my only sister as she told her story in her church exactly one year after her first born son died in a tragic accident. It was a word she was familiar with. Her whole family was familiar with it. Nothing had rocked her world like this before.
It's been six years since my nephew Ben's death. Looking back on that event and the events that followed, I remember the process of letting go of the word that had everyone messed up. "Why?"
I had already amassed quite the resume of experiences in my life that found that word rearing its pesky head. But all I had in my arsenal for the first forty years of my life was "God is in control." and "God must have a plan." They were impotent ideas that couldn't get rid of the knots in my stomach. Could I really say those things when the news of my girlfriend's rape reached my ears? And then hearing that she was pregnant as a result. Was that supposed to fix everything? Like that baby was God's plan?
It wasn't until years later and I found myself navigating a loss I never imagined navigating. Ben was supposed to look after his Auntie Ruby when she got old. Ben was supposed to organize and plan MY funeral.
I came across a book by Thomas Jay Oord that screamed at me and got my attention. The book was "God Can't". Those two words started me down a path that led me to let go of that pesky word "Why". Oord's book invited me to look at life through Love's eyes. Love doesn't control. So if "God" is Love... as I had been told so many times of years of religious training, than "God" doesn't control, therefore, "God Can't" sometimes.
My journey eventually took me beyond Oord's theology, but I am still grateful for what it started. "Why" became unnecessary. It only added to my confusion and got me nowhere. The word begged for answers and answers were unavailable. Even the explanations didn't soothe the pain inside. Things made sense as the story of my nephew's accident unravelled. I was able to see it as a mix of human stupidity and freaky circumstances. I didn't need "God" to figure into it at all.
Back to my girlfriend who became pregnant after being raped. It was almost a couple decades later when I got to meet the boy that she had given birth to and gave up for adoption. I attended a choir concert and he was one of the members of the choir. I remember the feeling of watching him more than listening to the music. In the back of my head, I found myself not able to wish away his life just to preserve my friend and prevent the consequences that have followed her and will follow her for the rest of her life. There, before me, stood a human who, in his own way, was going to make a difference in the world and I needed to let all my "Why"'s go and just let him be.
All I can do in my space and time is just be. I have no interest in even trying to address the problem of evil and suffering, but I am grateful that it isn't mine to even analyze in a blog post. I will do what I can in my world to add life and joy, it is really all I have energy for.
