Today starts my favourite season of all... Spring. Spring is about beginnings, especially in my life. I was born in Spring. I got married in Spring. My flowers start blooming in Spring (much later than my birthday and anniversary thanks to the Alberta climate). The snow melts in Spring giving a whole lot of beginnings for the new years. There is a fresh start for my world every Spring. It never gets old.
What am I hoping for as the snow melts and the tulips I just planted in the fall start to emerge? I hope I can see the last vestiges of the shame disappear with the snow. It's a specific shame. It is the shame that came to visit me when I started to leave the comforts of Christianity as an expression of life focus.
"Ruby, your opinion doesn't matter... especially with your family and friends. You have embarrassed them and brought a heavy weight on their lives that will never be lifted. Your words and actions have done damage to those you love. You are not worth all this."
That is the message I have been hearing in my head over the years. I have listened to a voice telling me that I am not worth all the effort of authentic living. I need to perform; I need to be someone I'm not. I need to martyr myself because the comfort of my family and friends is more important than exposing my honest understanding of life.
I am feeling like this year has done more to help me a little farther along the road away from that kind of shame. I feel like the shame is slowly melting along with the snow. To borrow a tennis expression... I realize the ball is in my court and I get the serve. I get to believe I'm valuable. I get to feel good about myself. I get to smile and live and love on just the way I am. I get to leave the baggage behind and walk free.
