Computers had my attention in Grade 10. I loved computer science. It was back in the mid eighties when Basic was the language that students were sinking their skills into and Commodore 64's were the computers we used. I found my creativity in that class. When my classmates were trying to get a butterfly to fly across the screen, I was composing Christmas carols in two part harmony. I literally made the computers sing.
Programming was simple back then. That is why they called it Basic. When I got to college, I found myself still enthralled with computers. I even got a job as a part time computer tutor for other students. My most memorable task was getting printers unstuck for them and retrieving programs they accidentally deleted. That was in the early nineties and our computers then were IBM 386 clones. My computer tutoring job got me connected with the colleges computer technician, and I even got a little experience with the clone building that he did. It was fascinating. Looking back... I almost wish I could have left it at fascinating... but I decided to go further.
When I graduated from that college, I enrolled at a technical institute in Computer Systems Technology. Little did I know that I was swimming too far into the ocean with no way to keep my head about the water I was in. I didn't even make the four months of the first semester. I found myself at the subway enroute to take an exam in C++ and deciding then to let it all go. I didn't finish, I quit, I abandoned it... whatever verb I use, I can only find myself either trying to whitewash the experience or remind myself of the shame I felt at not feeling smart enough to keep up.
I have started a lot of things in my life. The passion to learn something new is constant with me, but seeing most attempts through to some sort of completion... well that is a whole different story. Now that I am my mid fifties, I have a different perspective. Did I really expect myself to finish every attempt I made at further education? I don't know. Why would I spend the money and time if not to finish?
I am fluent in English only... but I have made attempts at French, Spanish, German, Greek and ASL. I find languages fascinating, but I have never had the strong community to enforce my use of the languages in my day to day activities. But I am glad I tried.
All those attempts at learning something new, that never saw completion, were still life lessons. I am going to be fifty-five in less than a week, and I still want to attempt learning new things. I just don't have the high expectations I had when I was younger. I realize that starting something can be valuable. If I needed the assurance of completion everytime I started something, I might not start anything. I never know when I start a project, if I can make something of it, or if I will have to scrap it mid way... but I need to be able to have the confidence to still begin.
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At this point... Day 29... I am ready to let go, quit, abandon AFL. I am not getting much out of the readings in the last weeks and I find myself scrolling through the Whats App messages at alarming speed. I wonder if I am not trying to get more out of the course because I am not struggling as much with how I see things. I don't need Freud or Neitsche to help convince me that I'm okay being agnostic or atheist... I think I am just okay. I am coming around to being okay with how I see the world. Maybe part of me still wants to understand a few things, but I don't think I need the struggle. I am grateful for some amazing voices I have been exposed to over the last two years of taking AFL. I have found friends in some of those voices. I just feel that I can't keep up and I am not all that disappointed in my lack of keeping up. Maybe it's okay to say "Enough".
Am I there yet? I don't know. I still open my AFL emails, hoping for something that I don't need Pete's "Coles Notes" summary in order to make sense of it. Maybe I can hang in there until Good Friday and find a nugget or two yet. I probably won't be back next year. I think I might try something else for my Lenten journey. I might still write, but maybe I can be less dependant on someone else's curriculum.
I think I am getting too old to be someone I'm not and my time needs to be spent with less unnecessary struggling. Maybe even that is the takeaway. How can I know that I'm over my head if I don't first venture out in the water? I don't want to leave the ocean; I just need to be able to swim enough to get to where I can still enjoy the water without the fear of drowning.
