Day 32: The Nugget I hung in there for.

"And in the light of this grace we perceive the power of grace in our relation to ourselves. We experience moments in which we accept ourselves, because we feel that we have been accepted by that which is greater than we. If only more such moments were given to us! For it is such moments that make us love our life, that make us accept ourselves, riot in our goodness and self-complacency, but in our certainty of the eternal meaning of our life. We cannot force ourselves to accept ourselves. We cannot compel anyone to accept himself. But sometimes it happens that we receive the power to say "yes" to ourselves, that peace enters into us and makes us whole, that self-hate and self-contempt disappear, and that our self is reunited with itself. Then we can say that grace has come upon us." Paul Tillich

After spilling my innards about having enough yesterday, I did say something about the possibility of a nugget or two still coming if I hung in there.  Sometimes those nuggets are buried in some pretty smelly ground and it would be easy to give up the search.  But today, I dug a little deeper because of three words: The title of Paul Tillich's sermon - "You are accepted".   I wanted to find that nugget.  So I had to dig a little past the smell of the "sin" talk (don't get me started on the baggage that word brings to the table).  

I am constantly looking for acceptance from others in order to validate the acceptance of myself.  I understand that.  I am no more looking to the cosmos for acceptance.  I am here.  That tells me that the cosmos has accepted me into the midst of its energy and substance.  For as long as I have existed on this planet, I have been accepted by whatever forces keep this world rotating.  The moment I succumb to a disease or tragedy is the moment that I am not accepted.  

The real challenge of acceptance is within myself.  I think there is enough evidence that some others have accepted me.  Even those who eventually un-accept me due to choice or circumstances, they initially accepted me, if only out of ignorance.  

So do I need the acceptance of others for me to accept myself?  Maybe some days I do.  Maybe I just need to be needed and that is what gives me the acceptance I look for.  I still don't understand being accepted without a contribution to that which is doing the accepting.  I can't expect a relationship to survive if I do nothing to help it grow. Therefore, I am not accepted just on the fact that I exist, I am accepted for what I add to life and add to relationships.  Maybe that is what I can look at for a more internal introspection.  What do I bring to me?  What do I add to my life that makes it one I want to continue having?  Now maybe after I make that list... I will find there that I have found acceptance within me.  That's a good place to start.