"Well. this is called Authentic Lent. I am at day 29 and authentically have reached my maximum potential for intake on this course. I am tired, worn out, sick, and my brain isn't processing the great stuff like I had hoped. But I will keep going until the end and will find something of value.
I think this might be the last time I commit to daily writing of anything. " Ruby Neumann
I wrote this back in 2022 when I first started this blog and was in my first Atheism for Lent Course. Twenty nine days in and I was already ready to give up writing. Now I am here four years later still writing and still thinking I should give up.
I have found that when I write for myself, I am the one who reads it. When I write for others, others read it. It is rare if ever that I write for myself and others enjoy reading my thoughts. Even though I've posted a lot of those thoughts on this blog format, it's not a place people want to go to to know me.
I've been writing postcards for the last year and have connected with people from around the world. That has been evident as a journey of joy. I have brought joy to myself and also brought joy to others. Often times, there is no profound thoughts that graces those postcards. Often times, I don't share my soul or wisdom with people. But those postcards have been more of a joy exchange than anything I've written in any of my blogs.
I've noticed the same thing about the books I've written. When I wrote my Ben book and my Niffer book, they were received by my mother as a gift and a collection of healing words and memories of her grandson and daughter. But when the words are about me... not so much. I'm still here. Mom doesn't need my words... she needs me. The reason that the other books resonated with her was because she needed the stories to remember her missing family members. She's not missing me yet. My words are not needed yet while I am still here.
So my conundrum is... "Do I still continue to write?"
As long as I find a benefit to writing, then I will still write. I matter too. I need my words more than anyone else needs them. So, yes, I will continue to write... to myself, and to others. But the words will be different. I've learned that and it's been a hard lesson. My ego wishes that my words mattered to more people than just myself. So when I start feeling sorry for myself... maybe it's time to write another postcard.
