It's easier to start a new puzzle than it is to start a new book. I find it strange. I thought I liked both. But lately, reading has become a chore. Words are flying past me and not doing much landing.
I shared a story in today's Processing Group about a phone call with my mother. Fifty-five minutes of phone time equated to about fifteen minutes of speaking time between both of us. It might seem strange, but there is a lot of space in the phone calls I have with my mom. We don't always have words to share with each other, but we don't know how to hang up when the words aren't there. She might be washing dishes, or knitting, or playing solitaire and I might be puzzling or putting a load of clothes in the washing machine. We hear each other do things, but it almost seems that words are unnecessary for us. Three days may go by and I don't have any news for Mom, but I still phone her. I want to connect.
What if my best moments in life don't include words. That is a sad revelation for a writer and somewhat avid reader (though not as of late). This Wednesday, I am planning to gather with my family and a few friends to celebrate my fifty fifth birthday. I am worried about only one thing... the words. The food will be great, the hugs will be fantastic, the laughs will be welcome and the smiles will fill me up inside... but the words... I am dreading those.
It is why I like puzzles. Puzzles don't require words. They don't require that I process anything. I just need to build and enjoy the beauty of the finished product. Puzzles are so easy to share; Words are not. I have lost friends because of words. I am scared of losing more because of words.
All that being said... all I have of value to leave behind me are completed puzzles and words. Not much for fifty five years of living. Maybe in those puzzles and among those words... There will be a residue of love. It is all I can hope for. If anything is hopeful for me, it is that I long to leave behind love. I don't want to mess that up.
I just got an encouraging email from my sister-in-law...
"You have such a gift for expressing your deepest thoughts on paper and you write so well - I always enjoy reading your emails."
Wow... Words can still be beautiful... almost as beautiful as puzzles.
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