Day 12: Climbing a Different Kind of Flagpole

 

It's early Sunday morning.  I am spending the weekend at my Mom's farm.  She lives an hour away from me, so when I want to take advantage of the darkness, I stay overnight. Mom and I have been walking down memory lane again.  It is an illuminating exercise, but still requires the darkness.  

The best "thing" that came out of my childhood seems to be my Mom's video camera.  It recorded moments that I have forgotten in my own memory.  Mom has reels of video footage spanning two decades - from 1960 to 1980.  We have been watching them and I have set up my iPhone to move the medium to digital.  But because my Mom has skylights and big windows with no curtains in her house, we have to wait until it gets dark outside before we can convert the dining room into a movie theatre.  

There is something troubling about watching myself in those home movies.  It was forty to fifty-five years ago and I was a very different human back then.  I was young, curious, daring, sometimes obedient, a follower, social...  But what stands out for me in this moment of reflection is seeing a child trying so hard to be seen and acknowledged.  

That girl lived in the shadows, in a darkness of sorts, but she still tried hard to be seen.  I wish I had her energy now.  I envy her freedom and her ability to live in the moment.  I miss her.  I see in her the same struggle I have now.  

"I'm here, look at me.  Do you see me?" 

While watching one of the last videos of the night, we came upon a short clip of me climbing the flagpole.  Mom was the first to comment. 

"Jennifer did it so you had to do it." 

My big sister had a lot of accomplishments that I couldn't duplicate and that is what kept me in the shadows for the most part, but some things I had to try myself.  Climbing the flagpole was one of them.  If she could reach the top, why not me? Mom had her video camera ready... 

That somewhat lazy eleven year old girl had motivation and energy when she wanted it bad enough; when she wanted to be seen.  

I still want to be seen.  I want to be known.  I want to be understood.  I want to matter.  It's why I write, it's why I blog, it's why I post videos on Youtube.  I am that girl trying hard to climb that flagpole while Mom has her video camera aimed at me. I need to get to the top.  I need to show her I can do it too.  I am qualified. 

But this time, Mom is watching me climb a different kind of "flag pole".  She is watching as I climb higher and farther away from the ground on which she stands. She is not holding me to the ground and keeping me by her side.  She is letting me climb.  She will never climb this "flag pole" with me.  But I am honoured to have her stand her ground and watch me.  

Day 11: Exist or Not Exist: Why are we still asking the question?

"1. The creation of the world is the most marvelous achievement imaginable.

2. The merit of an achievement is the product of

(a) its intrinsic quality, and

(b) the ability of its creator.

3. The greater the disability (or handicap) of the creator, the more impressive the achievement.

4. The most formidable handicap for a creator would be non-existence.

5. Therefore, if we suppose that the universe is the product of an existent creator, we can conceive a greater being – namely, one who created everything while not existing.

6. An existing God, therefore, would not be a being than which a greater cannot be conceived, because an even more formidable and incredible creator would be a God which did not exist.

Ergo,

7. God does not exist."

Douglas Gasking

* * * 

When I first read this list in today's reflection, I didn't laugh.  The poet in me was very drawn into the metaphor of the moment.  Not until I read the supplementary reflection did I read that it was meant as a comedic comeback to Anselm... and that is a punchline maybe only philosophers would laugh at.  

I like the idea of God "not existing".  It was a concept I was introduced to during last year's Atheism for Lent. 

"God doesn't exist, but God is that which brings everything else into existence." 

Thank you Pete Rollins for making it such a poetic profundity. 

I wonder how much it has cost humanity for the argument of the existence or non-existence of "God".  How many books have been written?  How many university classes have been used up for debates? How many relationships have been damaged?  How many resources have been exhausted all because of the vague understanding of one word... "exist".

What if it was as simple as "We exist, God does not, but God may still be the reason we exist." Could that have solved everything for everyone?  It gives a little certainty for those looking for it, and leaves some mystery for those needing it.  And it might even explain the unexplainable.  

What if we could take the words out of the argument.  Words have been the downfall of many a relationship, many an organization, many a person.  Words confuse more than clarify.  I still think words are the problem.  

It is my continued passion to figure out how to love in my world the best way I can.  How do I extend compassion?  When do I hug?  Where do I go?  What do I do when I get there?  And how do I ask forgiveness when words get in the way?  

I got a letter yesterday from a friend of mine.  She is saddened at the loss of friendships.  Words got in the way.  It is my longing that we can find ways to love beyond the words.  Words are necessary for communication, but can we go past the words to discover the love that still is longing to be shared?  What has to change so that can happen?  So much! 

Day 10: Hold On, Pain Ends

 

I found this acronym for Hope when I was doing my Advent journey.  I was looking for a definition of sorts to describe the very thing others seem to think I have lost since leaving Christianity as a religion and belief system.  I have often wondered what "they" think hope means.  

Hope is a future focused word.  It takes me beyond the moment and seems to remind me that it is the only life preserver I have to navigate tomorrow.  I'm not a big navigator of tomorrow.  For me, it is a place I don't live.  Things like imagination, planning, dreaming take me there on occasion, but I don't live there.  

I woke up this morning with strange thought. 

 "Hope is the vaccine for anxiety." 

 I pondered that for a moment and figured that the only way I can get up in the morning, without feeling totally paralyzed by the possibility that the next moments could be catastrophic, is because of a good dose of Hope that energizes my neurons.  Hope isn't something I have to consciously embrace, but it is a constant presence that moves me to the next moment.  

If the only thing I have to anticipate in this world is that one day my pain will end, then I'll be alright with that.  Whether that means I go on somehow or I cease to exist, either way... Hope to me means "Hold On, Pain Ends".  That also works in the short term.  Hope is what gets me to tolerate the pain in my life.  The intensity of the moment is survivable because I understand that the pain will end sometime, somehow.  

I remember the best advice I got in relation to grief.  A friend of mine, who was navigating my Dad's cancer and ultimate death with me, told me something profound.  I listened to him because his own father had just passed from cancer.  

"Ruby, the pain will end, but the sadness will remain." 

I understand that in so many ways and I think that is the effectiveness of Hope.  It gets us, not just through life as a whole, but through every moment of struggle and opposition during life. 

The last words that my Opa said to his pastor were about hope. Opa was a faithful Mennonite farmer.  He wasn't a big mouth when it came to what he thought, felt or believed... but his last words summed it up.  

"I have hope here, but I also have hope over there." 

Today's reading had me dive into what Immanuel Kant said about hope.  That is where the rabbit trail of "hope" began today.  

“Rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.” IK

Day 9: Why I stopped asking "Why?"

 "Why, Why, Why?"

Those were the words that came from the lips of my only sister as she told her story in her church exactly one year after her first born son died in a tragic accident.  It was a word she was familiar with.  Her whole family was familiar with it.  Nothing had rocked her world like this before.  

It's been six years since my nephew Ben's death.  Looking back on that event and the events that followed, I remember the process of letting go of the word that had everyone messed up.  "Why?"

I had already amassed quite the resume of experiences in my life that found that word rearing its pesky head. But all I had in my arsenal for the first forty years of my life was "God is in control." and "God must have a plan."  They were impotent ideas that couldn't get rid of the knots in my stomach.  Could I really say those things when the news of my girlfriend's rape reached my ears?  And then hearing that she was pregnant as a result. Was that supposed to fix everything?   Like that baby was God's plan?  

It wasn't until years later and I found myself navigating a loss I never imagined navigating.  Ben was supposed to look after his Auntie Ruby when she got old.  Ben was supposed to organize and plan MY funeral.  

I came across a book by Thomas Jay Oord that screamed at me and got my attention.  The book was "God Can't". Those two words started me down a path that led me to let go of that pesky word "Why".  Oord's book invited me to look at life through Love's eyes.  Love doesn't control.  So if "God" is Love... as I had been told so many times of years of religious training, than "God" doesn't control, therefore, "God Can't" sometimes.  

My journey eventually took me beyond Oord's theology, but I am still grateful for what it started.  "Why" became unnecessary.  It only added to my confusion and got me nowhere.  The word begged for answers and answers were unavailable.  Even the explanations didn't soothe the pain inside.  Things made sense as the story of my nephew's accident unravelled.  I was able to see it as a mix of human stupidity and freaky circumstances.   I didn't need "God" to figure into it at all.  

Back to my girlfriend who became pregnant after being raped.  It was almost a couple decades later when I got to meet the boy that she had given birth to and gave up for adoption.  I attended a choir concert and he was one of the members of the choir.  I remember the feeling of watching him more than listening to the music.  In the back of my head, I found myself not able to wish away his life just to preserve my friend and prevent the consequences that have followed her and will follow her for the rest of her life.  There, before me, stood a human who, in his own way, was going to make a difference in the world and I needed to let all my "Why"'s go and just let him be.  

All I can do in my space and time is just be.  I have no interest in even trying to address the problem of evil and suffering, but I am grateful that it isn't mine to even analyze in a blog post.  I will do what I can in my world to add life and joy, it is really all I have energy for.  

Day 8: Camped at the Crossroads

Today's reflection "lost" me... but I found out, from the social chat,  that I wasn't the only one.   I decided I wasn't going to give up on David Hume.  So I googled "David Hume quotes" and I found a few interesting nuggets.  

When I go hunting for quotes, I don't always find ones I agree or disagree with, but for the most part, I find thoughts that make me think further and dwell there for awhile.  I think that is the whole purpose of the AFL journey.  Not to agree or disagree, but to dwell in the thoughts.  It isn't always an easy place.

When I woke up this morning to greet my favourite month of the year, I had an imagination of sorts.  I imagined myself camped at a crossroad.  My tent was set up and there were paths going past my tent and in different directions.  I couldn't see far past each path.  Maybe because the trees in the forest were blocking the view.  I imagined myself setting up a chair in front of my tent and putting the tea pot on.  My imagination turned into a poem (which you can find on my poetry blog here. ).  

Atheism for Lent is like that for me.  I feel myself camped and not willing to venture far from my place at the point of choice, but I want to sit down for tea with some of the travellers that come by.  Some won't stop.  They have their destination in mind, and they aren't up for a conversation unless it is with someone who is on the same path as they are.  So I wave and they move along.  But what about those who stop?  What kind of conversations will we have?  

David Hume stopped by today and this is what I heard from him.

"It is an absurdity to believe that the Deity has human passions, and one of the lowest of human passions, a restless appetite for applause." DH

"Your corn is ripe today; mine will be so tomorrow. 'Tis profitable for us both, that I should labour with you today, and that you should aid me tomorrow. I have no kindness for you, and know you have as little for me. I will not, therefore, take any pains upon your account; and should I labour with you upon my own account, in expectation of a return, I know I should be disappointed, and that I should in vain depend upon your gratitude. Here then I leave you to labour alone; You treat me in the same manner. The seasons change; and both of us lose our harvests for want of mutual confidence and security." DH

"The identity that we ascribe to things is only a fictitious one, established by the mind, not a peculiar nature belonging to what we’re talking about." DH

"Indulge your passion for science…but let your science be human, and such as may have a direct reference to action and society. Be a philosopher; but amidst all your philosophy, be still a man." DH

"It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once." DH

"In public affairs men are often better pleased that the truth, though known to everybody, should be wrapped up under a decent cover than if it were exposed in open daylight to the eyes of all the world." DH

"Beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty. One person may even perceive deformity, where another is sensible beauty; and every individual ought to acquiesce in his own sentiment, without pretending to regulate those of others. To seek the real beauty, or real deformity, is as fruitless an enquiry, as to pretend to ascertain the real sweet or real bitter." DH

"When I shall be dead, the principles of which I am composed will still perform their part in the universe, and will be equally useful in the grand fabric, as when they composed this individual creature. The difference to the whole will be no greater betwixt my being in a chamber and in the open air. The one change is of more importance to me than the other; but not more so to the universe." DH

Day 7: I already have lost too much

 I was looking forward to today.  This beautiful picture with Bertrand Russell's quote hangs on my office wall and I was excited to dive into more of his thoughts.  Early this morning, when I opened my email and got access to what was being provided of Bertrand Russell; the essay "Why I am Not a Christian",   I discovered it was an audio recording.  Still tucked cozy in my blankets, I downloaded the essay from Ibooks and read it.  Then later when I made my way to my office, I put on my headphones and listened to the audio.   I will end this post with some quotes I found inspiring.  

* * * 

But before I share more of Bertrand Russell, I do want to share a profound revelation of sorts.  This week, I have been wondering about the labels that come with this kind of journey.  It's not a new thought, but revived now that I am learning how others see different labels such as atheist and agnostic.  I have been wondering how important labels are for me.  This past year, I have indirectly referred to myself as agnostic because it seems like a less abrasive way of communicating that what I had doesn't work for me now.  Even so,  I am not willing right now to jump on another band wagon of another kind of certainty.  

This morning during my read of Russell, I was amazed at how much I sympathized with what he was saying.  Just understanding that he had good points shook me up.  I asked myself... who are you really?  How do you see this world you live in?  And I came to understand that I will never be able to answer those questions apart from the people who dwell in the world with me.  My language of the cosmos and divine need to include my people.  I can let go of a lot of things, but because I am not an island in this world, I can't let go of some sort of something beyond me.  Redefine it, yes, but let go, no.  

I watched a documentary last night by Richard Dawkins and Laurence Krauss called "Unbelievers" .  Nothing in that documentary caused any defences in me.  I didn't agree with the "all religion needs to die" approach that is common with Dawkins.  But he seems to have the freedom to have that platform.  I don't.  I rather admire him for his freedom.  Maybe it's harsh for most, but I think he is driven by a passion that is well deserved, given the history of Christianity.  I admire that passion; I just can't share it.  

Maybe somewhere inside me lies a longing to lose it all, and in some sense, Atheism for Lent allows me that space... if only for a short season every year.  I am reminded often, however, that "It's not always about me."  I will only continue to breathe in this world as I connect and commune with others.  I can't trade my friends and family anymore just so I can be wholly authentic.  I could lose more than my self and my identity if I do that.  In fact, I already have lost too much.  

* * * 

"The word [Christian] does not have quite such a full-blooded meaning now as it had in the times of St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas. In those days, if a man said that he was a Christian it was known what he meant. You accepted a whole collection of creeds which were set out with great precision, and every single syllable of those creeds you believed with the whole strength of your convictions." BR

"The arguments that are used for the existence of God change their character as time goes on. " BR

"It is not that their environment was made to be suitable to them but that they grew to be suitable to it, and that is the basis of adaptation. There is no evidence of design about it." BR

"Do you think that, if you were granted omnipotence and omniscience and millions of years in which to perfect your world, you could produce nothing better than the Ku Klux Klan or the Fascists?" BR

"Most people believe in God because they have been taught from early infancy to do it, and that is the main reason.

Then I think that the next most powerful reason is the wish for safety, a sort of feeling that there is a big brother who will look after you. That plays a very profound part in influencing people’s desire for a belief in God." BR

 "Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. ... Fear is the basis of the whole thing -- fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death." BR

"Science can teach us, and I think our own hearts can teach us, no longer to look around for imaginary supports, no longer to invent allies in the sky, but rather to look to our own efforts here below to make this world a better place to live in, instead of the sort of place that the churches in all these centuries have made it." BR

"A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men. It needs a fearless outlook and a free intelligence. It needs hope for the future, not looking back all the time toward a past that is dead, which we trust will be far surpassed by the future that our intelligence can create." BR

Day 6: Puzzles and Philosophy

The beginning of a 2000 pc puzzle.  

...What then are the aims by reference to which an atheist presumption might be justified? One key word in the answer, if not the key word, must be 'knowledge'. The context for which such a policy is proposed is that of inquiry about the existence of God; and the object of the exercise is, presumably, to discover whether it is possible to establish that the word 'God' does in fact have application. Now to establish must here be either to show that you know or to come to know. But knowledge is crucially different from mere true belief. All knowledge involves true belief; not all true belief constitutes knowledge. To have a true belief is simply and solely to believe that something is so, and to be in fact right. But someone may believe that this or that is so, and his belief may in fact be true, without its thereby and necessarily constituting knowledge. If a true belief is to achieve this more elevated status, then the believer has to be properly warranted so to believe. He must, that is, be in a position to know. " 

Antony Flew

Currently, I have two time consuming interests - Puzzles and Philosophy.  I am by no means an expert in either one.  I like dabbling in both, but also enjoy listening to others who are much more invested and skilled in both. 

I have found a lot of commonalities in both the jigsaw puzzles I spend hours assembling and the philosophical thoughts that look a lot more like pieces in my mind than finished pictures.  In fact, when I am doing a puzzle, it's not hard to see the process of thinking through the questions of life.   Neither one is easy or quick.  Both are time consuming, but still beautiful and rewarding.  

I get some puzzles that never find total completion.  But I try to make them beautiful anyway.  Missing pieces get coloured in and stubborn time wasters find a home on my shelf.  Creativity moves in when conventional methods of completion are not going to happen.  I find the same with philosophy.  

I wish I could understand everything I hear and read, but I don't. But it doesn't stop me from reading or listening.  Most of today's reading seemed redundant. I felt like Flew could have said what he wanted to say in one paragraph, instead of three pages, but I understand writers like this. I am one of them.    Words are our friends and we want to hang out with a lot of them.  

Bart Ehrman was the one who turned me onto the difference in meaning between agnostic and atheist.  They are not two degrees of the same thing, they are very different things.  Knowledge and Belief are two different camps.  Understanding this has helped me greatly in the area of grace with myself and with others.  

Some things we can know, and some things we get to believe.  It is not my job to identify what others know or believe, only for me to understand that both are at play in our day to day lives and sometimes they might cross paths.  I know that I am writing a blog post right now; because I believe that what I have to say matters.  If I don't believe in what I write, I won't write but I don't have to know in the moment that what I'm writing will make any difference.  I just get to believe it and that keeps me writing.  

I have to admit, it is easier to call myself an agnostic than an atheist, even through I may literally be both.  When it comes to labels, The agnostic label is a lot softer than atheist and requires less explaining.  It's why I don't like labels because they rarely define me or my journey. I don't know what lies beyond my senses, and I often don't know what lies within them.  I also can't navigate my life without  believing in something beyond myself... I just don't call it "God" and definitely don't call it the "God" I embraced for most of my life ... thus applying the atheist label, I guess. 

Back to the puzzles and philosophy.  There is one difference between the two in my world.  Most of my family and friends can, in some way, share my passion of puzzles.  Whether that is doing a jigsaw together or simply admiring the completed picture.  Jigsaw puzzles  are universally enjoyable.  But that isn't the case with my interest in philosophy.  I am very much alone in that pursuit.  Maybe some can track with me for a while out of tolerance, but most don't care.  Life goes on and most would rather just look at the picture on the box than spend time assembling the pieces of the puzzle. 

What person doesn't want others to be interested in what they are doing?  - Especially family and close friends.  But for those who aren't into the philosophy... we have puzzles.