Day 12: Climbing a Different Kind of Flagpole

 

It's early Sunday morning.  I am spending the weekend at my Mom's farm.  She lives an hour away from me, so when I want to take advantage of the darkness, I stay overnight. Mom and I have been walking down memory lane again.  It is an illuminating exercise, but still requires the darkness.  

The best "thing" that came out of my childhood seems to be my Mom's video camera.  It recorded moments that I have forgotten in my own memory.  Mom has reels of video footage spanning two decades - from 1960 to 1980.  We have been watching them and I have set up my iPhone to move the medium to digital.  But because my Mom has skylights and big windows with no curtains in her house, we have to wait until it gets dark outside before we can convert the dining room into a movie theatre.  

There is something troubling about watching myself in those home movies.  It was forty to fifty-five years ago and I was a very different human back then.  I was young, curious, daring, sometimes obedient, a follower, social...  But what stands out for me in this moment of reflection is seeing a child trying so hard to be seen and acknowledged.  

That girl lived in the shadows, in a darkness of sorts, but she still tried hard to be seen.  I wish I had her energy now.  I envy her freedom and her ability to live in the moment.  I miss her.  I see in her the same struggle I have now.  

"I'm here, look at me.  Do you see me?" 

While watching one of the last videos of the night, we came upon a short clip of me climbing the flagpole.  Mom was the first to comment. 

"Jennifer did it so you had to do it." 

My big sister had a lot of accomplishments that I couldn't duplicate and that is what kept me in the shadows for the most part, but some things I had to try myself.  Climbing the flagpole was one of them.  If she could reach the top, why not me? Mom had her video camera ready... 

That somewhat lazy eleven year old girl had motivation and energy when she wanted it bad enough; when she wanted to be seen.  

I still want to be seen.  I want to be known.  I want to be understood.  I want to matter.  It's why I write, it's why I blog, it's why I post videos on Youtube.  I am that girl trying hard to climb that flagpole while Mom has her video camera aimed at me. I need to get to the top.  I need to show her I can do it too.  I am qualified. 

But this time, Mom is watching me climb a different kind of "flag pole".  She is watching as I climb higher and farther away from the ground on which she stands. She is not holding me to the ground and keeping me by her side.  She is letting me climb.  She will never climb this "flag pole" with me.  But I am honoured to have her stand her ground and watch me.