Day 31: I don't want to leave the ocean

 Computers had my attention in Grade 10.  I loved computer science.  It was back in the mid eighties when Basic was the language that students were sinking their skills into and Commodore 64's were the computers we used.  I found my creativity in that class.  When my classmates were trying to get a butterfly to fly across the screen, I was composing Christmas carols in two part harmony.  I literally made the computers sing.  

Programming was simple back then.   That is why they called it Basic.  When I got to college, I found myself still enthralled with computers.  I even got a job as a part time computer tutor for other students.  My most memorable task was getting printers unstuck for them and retrieving programs they accidentally deleted.  That was in the early nineties and our computers then were IBM 386 clones.  My computer tutoring job got me connected with the colleges computer technician, and I even got a little experience with the clone building that he did.  It was fascinating.  Looking back... I almost wish I could have left it at fascinating... but I decided to go further.  

When I graduated from that college, I enrolled at a technical institute in Computer Systems Technology.  Little did I know that I was swimming too far into the ocean with no way to keep my head about the water I was in.  I didn't even make the four months of the first semester.  I found myself at the subway  enroute to take an exam in C++ and deciding then to let it all go.  I didn't finish, I quit, I abandoned it... whatever verb I use, I can only find myself either trying to whitewash the experience or remind myself of the shame I felt at not feeling smart enough to keep up.  

I have started a lot of things in my life.  The passion to learn something new is constant with me, but seeing most attempts through to some sort of completion... well that is a whole different story.  Now that I am my mid fifties, I have a different perspective.  Did I really expect myself to finish every attempt I made at further education?  I don't know.  Why would I spend the money and time if not to finish?  

I am fluent in English only... but I have made attempts at French, Spanish, German, Greek and ASL.  I find languages fascinating, but I have never had the strong community to enforce my use of the languages in my day to day activities.  But I am glad I tried.

All those attempts at learning something new, that never saw completion, were still life lessons.  I am going to be fifty-five in less than a week, and I still want to attempt learning new things.  I just don't have the high expectations I had when I was younger.  I realize that starting something can be valuable.  If I needed the assurance of completion everytime I started something, I might not start anything.  I never know when I start a project, if I can make something of it, or if I will have to scrap it mid way... but I need to be able to have the confidence to still begin.  

* * * 

At this point... Day 29... I am ready to let go, quit, abandon AFL.  I am not getting much out of the readings in the last weeks and I find myself scrolling through the Whats App messages at alarming speed.  I wonder if I am not trying to get more out of the course because I am not struggling as much with how I see things.  I don't need Freud or Nietzsche to help convince me that I'm okay being agnostic or atheist... I think I am just okay.  I am coming around to being okay with how I see the world.  Maybe part of me still wants to understand a few things, but I don't think I need the struggle.  I am grateful for some amazing voices I have been exposed to over the last two years of taking AFL.  I have found friends in some of those voices.  I just feel that I can't keep up and I am not all that disappointed in my lack of keeping up.  Maybe it's okay to say "Enough".  

Am I there yet?  I don't know.  I still open my AFL emails, hoping for something that I don't need Pete's "Coles Notes" summary in order to make sense of it.  Maybe I can hang in there until Good Friday and find a nugget or two yet.  I probably won't be back next year.  I think I might try something else for my Lenten journey.  I might still write, but maybe I can be less dependant on someone else's curriculum.  

I think I am getting too old to be someone I'm not and my time needs to be spent with less unnecessary struggling.  Maybe even that is the takeaway.  How can I know that I'm over my head if I don't first venture out in the water?  I don't want to leave the ocean; I just need to be able to swim enough to get to where I can still enjoy the water without the fear of drowning. 

Day 30: Wolves in the Snow

 This morning I awoke with an email in my inbox from my husband.  He sent me a link to a 2000 pc Ravensburger puzzle on Amazon, entitled "Wolves in the Snow".  I was amazed by the beauty of the picture.  The print is called Wolves in the Snow.  As I looked at the detail and the different elements in the picture, my mind went to yesterday's reflection and I was somewhat conflicted.  I wondered if I was odd that I couldn't grasp the significance or inspiration behind the artwork of Barnet Newman.  I felt like my mind was drifting back to the story of "The Emperor's New Clothes" again.  Am I supposed to be like the crowd and fall into amazement at the lack of artistry?  Maybe the lack is what is important, but I can't find it beautiful.  So this morning my husband's email was timely.  He sent me an affirmation that someone understands what I find beautiful, because he finds it beautiful.  

I was looking for my next 2000 pc puzzle, and it came in the form of a beautiful gift and gesture from someone who is trying to make me happy in this journey of life that provides so much sadness.  So as I work on this puzzle, I will hold him in my heart and embrace the beauty and inspiration that reaches my heart and let go of the stuff that doesn't.  

I don't want to pretend to get something out of these AFL readings when in reality some of them fly way over my head.  Authentic Lent is exactly that... Authentic.  So I will leave the Newman art for others to find space for and inspiration on their journey.  I won't deny them that experience.  But I am back to my wilderness pictures and my "Give me Bob Ross" conclusion.  And I don't have to feel alone in my passion because the person I love the most in this world, shares it with me.  

Day 29: Abandoned

Abandoned 

Yet filled

So much left 

Yet something moved in

Soft 

Welcoming

Stay here

Play with me

I'm not a big fan of abstract art.  But I try to find a story in a picture that is not always available at the average glance.  I wonder how the sand got in this house.   But what if something abandoned isn't always empty.  What if... 

I am tired and it is almost the end of the day.  I have been on the road with my husband and don't really feel all that inspired.  I am losing momentum with AFL.  This will probably be my last year.  I think I gained what I could from the course and it is soon time to move on.  But I am grateful for the nuggets.  

Day 28: I can hug a tree

Why is it easier to believe in a miracle, then in the value of a story? 

It is 2:14 am my time right now, and I can't get back to sleep.  I had a very deep conversation with my hubby an hour ago and it eventually results in him being able to sleep again, and me not.  

I want an answer to my question.  Why is it easier to read a story about a woman who gave birth to child when she is in her late "old age" ... and believe that it is possible for a post menopausal woman to give birth?  Wouldn't it be easier to just believe that the Jewish people wrote good stories?  Whether Sarah, the mother of Isaac or Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist... it doesn't matter.  What makes it so easy to believe the outrageous is possible, and not easy to believe in good creative writing?  

Maybe I can sit and stew on that for another hour before going unconscious again for another few hours before daylight or my cats wake me up.  

7:16 am

I am awake again.  Wanting so much not to take one more step into the future.  Longing for the ability to stay in the now.  Putting one foot or one thought in the future at this moment is fraught with anxiety.  There is not much in my day that I can find that won't at some point cause me to be anxious.  So if I can stay in the moment, then I won't reduce myself to tears.  No "What if's", no projections, no looking outside to see if the rest of the world is okay.  I am tired of being afraid.  I am exhausted from the fear.  

All that being said, I don't want a life where everything is okay.  I don't want relationships that don't experience a little conflict now and then.  I don't want it easy.  Easy is boring, Easy is fruitless, Easy isn't beautiful.  

Maybe what I need to do today is hug a tree.  I like hugging trees.  I like being thankful for what trees are to me.  They are a life force.  They provide oxygen.  They remind me that longevity is possible.  They remind me that strength doesn't always look or feel smooth.  They remind me of the seasons where death moves and life returns. A tree will never leave the hug before you are ready.  A tree will stand there until you are strong enough to let go.  A tree will take all the emotion you have and soak it in to its core.  That's what I can do.  I can hug a tree.  

 

Day 27: The Beginning of Spring

 Today starts my favourite season of all... Spring.  Spring is about beginnings, especially in my life.  I was born in Spring.  I got married in Spring. My flowers start blooming in Spring (much later than my birthday and anniversary thanks to the Alberta climate).  The snow melts in Spring giving a whole lot of beginnings for the new years.  There is a fresh start for my world every Spring.  It never gets old. 

What am I hoping for as the snow melts and the tulips I just planted in the fall start to emerge?  I hope I can see the last vestiges of the shame disappear with the snow.  It's a specific shame.  It is the shame that came to visit me when I started to leave the comforts of Christianity as an expression of life focus.  

"Ruby, your opinion doesn't matter... especially with your family and friends.  You have embarrassed them and brought a heavy weight on their lives that will never be lifted.  Your words and actions have done damage to those you love.  You are not worth all this." 

That is the message I have been hearing in my head over the years. I have listened to a voice telling me that I am not worth all the effort of authentic living.  I need to perform; I need to be someone I'm not.  I need to martyr myself because the comfort of my family and friends is more important than exposing my honest understanding of life.  

I am feeling like this year has done more to help me a little farther along the road away from that kind of shame.  I feel like the shame is  slowly melting along with the snow.  To borrow a tennis expression... I realize the ball is in my court and I get the serve.  I get to believe I'm valuable.  I get to feel good about myself.  I get to smile and live and love on just the way I am.  I get to leave the baggage behind and walk free.  

Day 26: The Death of my need to be right about "God"

 

This week we are heading into "The Death of God" Theology in our AFL journey.  I wanted to go back to last years posts and see what inspired me about "The Death of God" idea.  I found my April Fools Day Post.  It wasn't so much about the "Death of God" as it was about the death of some perceptions of "God" that I wanted to talk about.  Here's the post: 

AL Post  2022  Day 31: The Death of God as Father and Mother

Almost a year later, I get to see how much my perspective has changed.  Strangely, not much.  I still see the whole gender thing as a balance issue: making "God" in our image.  But the more I spend immersed in history lessons of Christianity, I understand more now that maybe perceptions is all we have.  Billions of humans have billions of perceptions.  There seemed to be a need over recordable history to find the right way to understand that which in reality can never  be understood.  But not for a lack of trying.  And then there are the wars and persecutions that arise from all those perceptions and all that need to be right.  

Maybe its a pipe dream, but what would this world look like if it didn't matter what someone else thought or believed?  What if we didn't need to have others on the same page as us or even in the same book.  What if we could all be a library, still sharing space with our own expressions and perspectives? 

What if Christians could share Jesus like they pass along their love of chocolate.   Maybe others would like our favourite flavour of chocolate... so we give them a taste and then they can decide.  

"Mmmm... I like Lindor dark chocolate.  Thanks for introducing me to it.  I think I might pick some up on my next shopping trip." 

And maybe they won't like our brand... 

"Mmmm... Not bad, but my favourite is still Hershey's Hugs.  But thank you for the Lindor experience.  I hope you enjoy." 

What is the response?  Can we still share space?  What if Christian Evangelism stopped at the introduction  and didn't add things like shame, hell and condemnation in the mix.  It's no better than saying that every other brand of chocolate out there is laced with Strychnine.  I'm not saying that Jesus is irrelevant in our world and in our culture. But in the early accounts of Jesus, he didn't seem all that motivated about convincing the world that he was the only good "chocolate" around.  He seemed to be more about his little community.  It looks like it was his followers that needed him to be "the be all and end all".  

Is it "God" that needs to die... or just our need to be right about our perception of "God".  Maybe "God" has a place in the world and doesn't need dying.  For some people, there is not other way to look at the world than through the "God" lens.  So why take that away from them?

Right now, at this juncture of my life, I don't eat much chocolate.  It's a sugar thing.  I have arthritis, and sugar is bad for arthritis.  So I gave up my regular consumption of chocolate.  I miss it and I don't miss it. There may come days when I take a bite or two, but the days are probably over when it is my regular source of pleasure.  I will still buy chocolate for my family because I know they like it.  Life is hard... sometimes we just have to find ways to make it feel better. Some need religion, some  need chocolate, some need both,  some don't need either.  But maybe we can still sit at the same table and enjoy each other while we nibble on what tastes good for us.  

Day 25: Crazy Beliefs

 "Religious ideas are teachings and assertions about facts and conditions of external (or internal) reality which tell one  something one has not discovered for oneself and which lay claim to one's  belief."  Sigmund Freud

All teachings like these, then, demand belief in their contents, but not without producing grounds for their claim.  They are put forward as the epitomized result of a longer process of thought based on observation and certainly also on inferences.  If anyone wants to go through this process himself instead of accepting its result, they show him how to set about it.  Moreover, we are always in addition given the source of knowledge conveyed by them, where that source is not self-evident, as it is the case of geographical assertions.  For instance, the earth is shaped like a sphere; the proofs adduced for this are Foucault's pendulum experiment, the behaviour of the horizon and the possibility of circumnavigating the earth.  Since it is impractical, as everyone concerned realizes, to send every schoolchild on a voyage round the world, we are satisfied with letting what is taught at school be taken on trust; but we know that the path to acquiring a personal conviction remains open. 

Let us try to apply the same test to the teachings of religion.  When we ask on what their claim to be believed is founded, we are met with three answers, which harmonize remarkably badly with one another.  Firstly these teachings deserve to be believed because they were already believed by our primal ancestors; secondly, we possess proofs which have been handed down to us from those same primaeval times; and thirdly, it is forbidden to raise the question of their authentication at all.  In former days anything so presumptuous was visited with the severest penalties and even today society looks askance at any attempt to raise the question again. " SF

" We ought to believe because our forefathers believed. But these ancestors of ours were far more ignorant than we are. They believed in things we could not possibly accept today..."    SF

"The riddles of the universe reveal themselves only slowly to our investigation; there are many questions to which science today can give no answer.  But scientific work is the only road which can lead us to a knowledge of reality outside ourselves." SF

Someone I love very much believes that the Earth is flat.  I didn't understand, until this person came into my life, that in the twenty-first century people could believe in a flat Earth; but a quick Google search made me aware that there are communities around the world that can't accept a globe like planet for their home.  

I have had the opportunity to listen to my friend on many an occasion, but I have no rebuttal.  I haven't been in orbit about the Earth to see what it looks like.  So I can't defend a position I only accept on faith myself.  A round earth makes sense to me.  All the evidence makes sense.  A flat earth seems like a crazy belief.  But I have known my friend for a long time, and it's not a "crazy belief" to my friend.  

This helps me understand the world I came out of and now get to look in at from the outside.  I once believed with certainty in a cosmic figure that listened to me every time I opened my mouth and my thoughts.  I believed that cosmic figure had power and could change my circumstances, but often wouldn't either because a lack of faith... or because what I was asking for wasn't what I needed.  (ie... like a living Dad instead of a dead one). I had then, what seems to me now, as crazy beliefs.  But I was convinced in them.   No one then called me crazy.  Maybe because the communities I was hanging out with believed the same things.  Still...  I wasn't called crazy... and all I had was belief... no proof.  

What if I could give my friend proof of a round earth?  What if I was given the opportunity to fly out of the earth's atmosphere?  What if I took a picture of the earth from orbit?  Would my friend believe me?  So many pictures exist today by people who have had that  opportunity.  My friend doesn't believe them.  

I have learned over the years that what I might see as "crazy beliefs" are a sort of life blood to people I love.  I have no desire to call them illusions or delusions.  I only can smile, listen and say nothing in response.  This is the world I live in, these are the people I love.