Day 28: I can hug a tree

Why is it easier to believe in a miracle, then in the value of a story? 

It is 2:14 am my time right now, and I can't get back to sleep.  I had a very deep conversation with my hubby an hour ago and it eventually results in him being able to sleep again, and me not.  

I want an answer to my question.  Why is it easier to read a story about a woman who gave birth to child when she is in her late "old age" ... and believe that it is possible for a post menopausal woman to give birth?  Wouldn't it be easier to just believe that the Jewish people wrote good stories?  Whether Sarah, the mother of Isaac or Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist... it doesn't matter.  What makes it so easy to believe the outrageous is possible, and not easy to believe in good creative writing?  

Maybe I can sit and stew on that for another hour before going unconscious again for another few hours before daylight or my cats wake me up.  

7:16 am

I am awake again.  Wanting so much not to take one more step into the future.  Longing for the ability to stay in the now.  Putting one foot or one thought in the future at this moment is fraught with anxiety.  There is not much in my day that I can find that won't at some point cause me to be anxious.  So if I can stay in the moment, then I won't reduce myself to tears.  No "What if's", no projections, no looking outside to see if the rest of the world is okay.  I am tired of being afraid.  I am exhausted from the fear.  

All that being said, I don't want a life where everything is okay.  I don't want relationships that don't experience a little conflict now and then.  I don't want it easy.  Easy is boring, Easy is fruitless, Easy isn't beautiful.  

Maybe what I need to do today is hug a tree.  I like hugging trees.  I like being thankful for what trees are to me.  They are a life force.  They provide oxygen.  They remind me that longevity is possible.  They remind me that strength doesn't always look or feel smooth.  They remind me of the seasons where death moves and life returns. A tree will never leave the hug before you are ready.  A tree will stand there until you are strong enough to let go.  A tree will take all the emotion you have and soak it in to its core.  That's what I can do.  I can hug a tree.