I have more memories of gifts from my sister that broke or were in pieces, than gifts that stayed whole. Even one of the last gift cards I got from her was "broken"... it didn't work and Canadian Tire had to send me another gift card. The last gift I got from my sister was a jigsaw puzzle. Those are meant to come in pieces.
Something about my sister's gift giving spoke to me this morning. At first, I wondered why I couldn't see the gift giver as broken. I wondered if she was inadvertently trying to send her little sister a message.
"I'm not the perfect person you believe me to be. I can break too." I just didn't see it until most of her life was over.
I got cross from her from Guatemala that broke twice. I had tried to fix it once and it still broke. The bookmark from Hawaii that I have on my desk (attached picture above) was also a gift from Jennifer. I haven't fixed it yet. It stays broken... just like my sister.
That bookmark was precious because of the turtle in the middle of the bookmark. I love turtles. Their story means something to me now. I didn't find the need to bury this one like I buried the Guatemala cross on Good Friday of 2022. I might tell that story later... I can't find it in the other years yet. Maybe it is one for the end of the Authentic Lent Journey this year.
I am sad today. I got a letter from a mother figure in my life that made me sad even before I opened it up. I am just expecting sadness from her letters because I have made her sad with my story. I am in a constant struggle to know how to respond to her every time she sends me notes like...
"Ruby, I hope and pray that some day we can talk and share once again about the love of God together!"
I remember my own mother telling me once... "I just wish you could come back to Jesus." I responded to her - thanks to Rob Bell's wisdom... "We don't go back, Mom... we only go forward..."
My other mother wants me to go backwards and that's not even possible anymore. I don't go back... I can only go forward. Rob Bell was right.
"Now maybe you can't do the whole "God" thing. Okay. Maybe you're like "No Way"... Maybe for you the word "God" is all wrapped up in what feels to you like a step backwards." Rob Bell (Everything is Spiritual)
Rob Bell understands... how do I make my other Mama understand. How do I show her that some things that are broken don't get fixed? How do I tell her that some things that die don't come back to life? How do I keep loving her? I guess that is the biggest question. To love her is to support her fantasy. At least that is how I see it now ... as a fantasy. She can't support my lack of needing that same fantasy. This rock only rolls one way. That is why I am sad today. Like Sisyphus, It is exhausting to keep pushing this stone up hill. All it wants to do is roll one way and that is downhill. I'm tired and I'm sad.
The longest lasting gift my sister gave me were these words...
"We'll find something in common."
Our days of making that a reality are over... but the energy behind those words needs to be transferred to my other relationships. Can we find things in common without sacrificing each other's passions and beliefs? I hope so. What hope is there for humanity if we can't?
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