Day 11: "Courage is a love affair with the unknown"

 "...to choose fear as a companion during hard times is akin to wearing a weighted vest instead of a life jacket when you're learning to swim.  The goal is to learn to coexist with our fear.  To see it clearly for what it is and understand where it comes from.  To think of fear a worried relative -- the nervous, hand-wringing cousin who's quick to anticipate disaster.  If that prophet of doom has to be along for the ride, I'm choosing to carry it around as a passenger but I will never let it get behind the wheel."  (Gillian Deacon "A Love Affair with the Unknown") 

I am reading a book, although a slow process, called" A Love Affair with the Unknown"  by Gillian Deacon.  It's one of those books that has come along beside me on my journey... not to convince me of changing direction, but to encourage me that I am already on the right path.  

Embracing the unknown like a welcome companion is where I am heading.  Certainty, for me, has been an abusive partner.  I finally had enough.  There are still unsettled waters on this journey, but I am far less concerned with the outcome.  

I am not good at making new friends.  Acquaintances, sure... but friends... that is challenging for me. I am far too comfortable with people who have been my life for decades.  They either know a lot about me and still love me, or they found out things about me and are not as excited as I am to reinforce the relationship.  I am comfortable with both.  I expect that some will stay and some will be more distant.  I try to balance the flow of information for those who are staying so they don't get too spooked.  For the most part, people who have invested decades in a friendship aren't that easily knocked off their horse.  

Making a new friend, that comes with a load of challenges.  What do I reveal about myself in the first few meetings?  How often to do we need to meet up to establish a friendship?  What are my obligations, if any, to be on my best behaviour.  When will I be able to be really real?  How long do I have to wait to call them a friend? What if they move in next door?  

When there is space between people, there is less expectations of a lot of time requirement.  However... what happens when you can just walk across the street to their house?  

The picture in today's post is of a beautiful crabapple tree that bloomed in our neighbour's yard for as long as I lived at my house.  We enjoyed it's blooms every spring as we could see it from our kitchen window.  Last year that tree was cut down as the house and yard underwent a massive renovation.  This month, there is a new homeowner.  

I've had the chance to visit her and enjoyed my initial meetings.  But that passenger, that cousin that rides in my car is distracting my driving.  Fear is creeping in and I'm not sure how to address it.  I have lost friends.  How do I not remember that feeling?  

I have spent the last year writing to strangers and far away penpals.  They seem safe.  They aren't close enough to require more of me that one or two letters a month.  But I can't hug them.  I like hugs.  I gave one to my new neighbour yesterday.