Day 22: Jesus made the cover of Newsweek!

Not sure what else to say today about this.  I was getting goat yogurt in Safeway  today and found this by the checkout counter.  I just took the picture.  I was not interested in spending $18 to find out what Newsweek had to say about Jesus this Lent.  I can't say they have an evangelism agenda as an organization.   Who knows?  It's Lent.  Maybe they figured that Jesus sells during Lent.  Oh well.  That's it.  That's all folks!  
 

Day 21: Reconstruction

 

There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

   a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

     a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

     a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

     a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

     a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

     a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (NIV) 

I've been listening to Pete Holmes in conversation with Rob Bell, Richard Rohr and Pete Rollins.  I am wondering why I missed him in my journey until now.  Maybe I missed him, or maybe it's perfect timing to listen to his conversations with three people who have already had a significant impact on my journey thus far.  Pete Holmes offers a different perspective, a different vibe and opens up new avenues of inspiration with the voices I'm so familiar with. 

One recurring theme is reconstruction.  It's a idea that I didn't want to hear about for the last few years.  I was content to just tear down the walls of the structures that didn't work for me and stand in the rubble.  I felt no need to build anything new.  

I've recently had the joy of seeing the stages of a new construction.  My nephew is building a house.  He is going beyond what anyone else in his family has done.  He is doing his own thing and building something entirely different for his new family.  I am proud of him.  I get to see it again today.  For him, the time is to build.  He has seen a lot of destruction in his life and it didn't stop him from dreaming bigger.  In the words of the author of Ecclesiastes... there is a time to rebuild. 

But what does that look like for me in my journey?   What have these conversations of these influential men taught me about the need to keep going?  What does reconstruction look like for me?                     

Alongside my daily readings of AL, I am also reading through what might be called my "reconstruction".  In 2024, I wrote what I call "I'm Still Somewhere".  It is a collection of 44 short essays or chapters of how I see life now that I am past the letting go of what I how I used to see life.  Some thoughts are consistent with how I've always seen life and some thoughts are just realized and now have the freedom to be in my expressions and in my understanding.  

After some years of letting go of the stuff that didn't work for me, I felt I needed to put into words what was working for me.  Even if I would end up being the only person who read it.  So far, I am the only person who has read it.   

Pete Holmes, Rob Bell, Richard Rohr and Peter Rollins seem to have one thing in common that interests me from an outside perspective.  They all seem to still value the Bible as something still worth accessing as a resource.  They have all either departed from or never had the Evangelical Christian idolization of the perfection of the document.  But they still find nuggets within the pages of the story.  

I wonder sometimes if I will get to a place in my journey where I will go looking for nuggets again.  I am still not interested in picking up the Bible in any format for any duration of time.  Right now, it would be like diving in to the very waters that I saw in a Drew Binsky video yesterday.  For me, those waters are still polluted, septic and insanitary... and yet, I see people swimming in them with joy.  

Maybe I don't have to swim in those waters... maybe a cruise along the channels in a boat will give me something more one day.  For now... I am just watching others head in that direction and for some reason, they are able to navigate those waters with a lot of grace. Maybe there is hope... I did open up this blog post with Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.                                                                                                                                                            

Day 20: Castilleja... inspiring creativity.

I dug this photo out from the archives in my iPhone.  It was taken on my husband's birthday back in 2020.  Paintbrush, (or its botanical name "Castilleja" that I just learned today)  is my favourite wildflower.  I grew up in Northern B.C. and Paintbrush was a common appearance on our farm.   Now I have to go on a two hour drive to find it in bushes or the ditches alongside the highways west of me.  

It may not be the prettiest of flowers and it doesn't have an amazing fragrance, but it's wild and that's what I love about it.  It grows in its own place on it's own time and with no need to be domesticated in someone's garden.  

I admire the things in nature that stay in nature.  I realize that they face their own dangers, but they make the world a beautiful place without the manicuring hands of humans.  

Castilleja is Spanish for Castle.  Castilleja, the wildflower, was named by botanist José Celestino Mutis in honor of Spanish botanist Domingo Castillejo.

"In Native American cultures, the [Castilleja or otherwise labelled as Indian Paintbrush] has been a symbol of creativity and artistic inspiration. Tribes such as the Apache and Comanche believed that these flowers were gifts from the Great Spirit, meant to inspire painters and artists." (Wikipedia)

What's not to admire about a flower that inspires creativity.  Now I know why my heart fell in love with this flower... and I didn't even realize it until now!  

Day 19: Downsizing Puzzles and Life

This year, I've been incorporating my own pictures and experiences instead of harvesting from Google.  It's sometimes a challenge to find an inspirational image or an image to match the inspiration I have already in words.  I just finished a 1000 piece Cobble Hill puzzle called Farm Country.  What better place to give it a home than here... and my Cobble Hill Files... and Instagram ... and back on the shelf.  Oh well.  So it has four homes.  

I still like puzzling.  I'm not totally sick of it yet.  But I have downsized to accomodate my changing moods.  I'm not that excited to take on the big puzzles like 1000 or 2000 pc puzzles.  I would rather enjoy a 500 or 350 pc puzzle.  I can do more images and I don't get tired of the process.  

Maybe it also means that I can't run with the rest of the performance pack ...  but I'm not a performer when it comes to puzzling.  I like doing my own thing.  Maybe that says more about the way I am doing life now, not just puzzles.  I don't need to perform, I don't need to run with the pack, I don't need to do anything other than live and love.  If that means that I just sit in my office on a Sunday morning do a 500 pc puzzle... than that's what it is.  And I am okay!  

 

Day 18: Can Tom and I start finding again?

2022: "I need to let the sand pour from my hands as if never to hold it again."

2023:   "I lost and don't even know if I have it in me to start finding again."

2024:  "I was simply liberated by the thought that there might be a way to engage with religion without having to subscribe to its supernatural content." Alain De Boton

2025:  "Anyone who gives me freedom to find a connection to the beyond without using the word "God" has my attention." 

In my readings this morning, I found extra inspiration from all of the four Day 18 readings.   I went back to those readings and pulled out four quotes... three from me and one from Alain De Boton.  

I look at all four quotes and I am thinking that they can paint the picture of what it's like for me to even dream of the idea of making new friends at this stage of my life.  2023 makes that one very clear.  It seems tempting at times to let the sand drain through my hands than to hang on to any of it.  

One of my favourite Christmas movies is "Miracle on 34th Street" with Richard Attenborough.  There is a scene when Brian and Dory are heading back to their apartment building after a date night and the discussion leads to Dory's caution about relationships.  

"I'm careful at this point in my life, I really don't need to be disappointed."  

Following that admission, Brian hands Dory an engagement ring and she refuses it.  Eventually she faces her fears and they get married at the end of the movie, but in that moment, it is hard not to empathize with her.  She lost and didn't know if she finding was something she could do again.  

This picture I chose today is of Tom.  He's a cat that, with his mom,  has recently moved in across the street from me.  He doesn't look all that impressed.  I wonder if he has the same feelings I do.  Maybe he lost and doesn't know if it's in him to start finding again.  

I would like to end this post on a hopeful note, but I will just end it.  The story is yet to unfold and I am still fearful.  Not every canvas is painted in one day.  

Day 17: Letters and Literature and maybe a Lake.

 "What would happen to your mind if you found out that the entire way you understood the universe was wrong?"  Rob Bell - "Where'd You Park Your Spaceship?" 

I started reading a new fiction this week.  I'm not big lover of fiction, but every now and again, something comes across my sightline that catches my attention.  

I have been an admirer of Rob Bell's writing for a long time, but who'd a thunk that he could come out swinging with fiction.  I just started "Where'd You Park Your Spaceship?" Book One and already I am intrigued at the story line that brings in sadness, loss, joy, enthusiasm and wonder all from another part of the galaxy.  I wouldn't label it as a science fiction, it's humanity removed from the confines of the Earth that humans have made in the last few years.  I can't wait to dive deeper.  

Yesterday I got a card and letter in the mail from someone who came in to my life forty years ago.  This past month I attended the funeral of her mother and that was amazing for her.  She is someone I was open with about my departure from the Christian narrative and she was hurt.  She is a pastor's wife and that story is still very precious to her.  But the fact that I showed up for her meant a lot and maybe for her, even moved me back into the camp of being someone who still had access to love.  

Her letter was human and lacking of the typical Christianese that often laces letters of that sort.   I was in tears and moved that she left that out and stayed with me in a shared space of understanding human loss and sadness.  No mention of Jesus needed.  That was beautiful.  

The cover of the card, that I opened up this post with, is of Moraine Lake.  Moraine Lake is in Banff National Park and is a place that is special to me.  I spent a day there with my sister a long time ago.  It is a place of beauty and significance.  It's highly inaccessible without some challenge.  One can't just drive there any time they feel like it.  It's only accessible to the public by shuttle during the summer months.  I hope that keeps the beauty intact.  Maybe it's a bucket list item for my 60th birthday... nine months early.  Which lands at the end of June  next year.  I might be able to swing it.  Maybe my Mom needs a different trip.  So many ideas.  It's over five hours from my Mom's farm to Moraine Lake... that's not a day trip.  

Wow... all that inspiration from a card from a grieving friend.  Maybe she wants to come with us.  Maybe it's not a big deal for my Mom. I have to think of that too.  Mom is more into seeing people than places.  More to think about.  Maybe another friend of mine needs a journey of sorts.  Lots to think about.  But the idea is planted.  Now I just need to water it for the next year.  

Day 16: Broken Gifts from a Broken Giftgiver

I have more memories of gifts from my sister that broke or were in pieces, than gifts that stayed whole.  Even one of the last gift cards I got from her was "broken"... it didn't work and Canadian Tire had to send me another gift card.  The last gift I got from my sister was a jigsaw puzzle.  Those are meant to come in pieces.  

Something about my sister's gift giving spoke to me this morning.  At first, I wondered why I couldn't see the gift giver as broken.   I wondered if she was inadvertently trying to send her little sister a message.  

"I'm not the perfect person you believe me to be. I can break too."  I just didn't see it until most of her life was over.  

I got cross from her from Guatemala that broke twice.  I had tried to fix it once and it still broke.  The bookmark from Hawaii that I have on my desk (attached picture above) was also a gift from Jennifer.  I haven't fixed it yet.  It stays broken... just like my sister.  

That bookmark was precious because of the turtle in the middle of the bookmark.  I love turtles.  Their story means something to me now.  I didn't find the need to bury this one like I buried the Guatemala cross on Good Friday of 2022.  I might tell that story later... I can't find it in the other years yet.  Maybe it is one for the end of the Authentic Lent Journey this year.  

I am sad today.  I got a letter from a mother figure in my life that made me sad even before I opened it up.  I am just expecting sadness from her letters because I have made her sad with my story.  I am in a constant struggle to know how to respond to her every time she sends me notes like... 

"Ruby, I hope and pray that some day we can talk and share once again about the love of God together!" 

I remember my own mother telling me once... "I just wish you could come back to Jesus."  I responded to her -  thanks to Rob Bell's wisdom... "We don't go back, Mom... we only go forward..." 

My other mother wants me to go backwards and that's not even possible anymore.  I don't go back... I can only go forward.  Rob Bell was right.  

"Now maybe you can't do the whole "God" thing.  Okay.  Maybe you're like "No Way"... Maybe for you the word "God" is all wrapped up in what feels to you like a step backwards."  Rob Bell (Everything is Spiritual)  

Rob Bell understands... how do I make my other Mama understand.  How do I show her that some things that are broken don't get fixed?  How do I tell her that some things that die don't come back to life?  How do I keep loving her?  I guess that is the biggest question.  To love her is to support her fantasy.  At least that is how I see it now ... as a fantasy.  She can't support my lack of needing that same fantasy.  This rock only rolls one way.  That is why I am sad today.  Like Sisyphus, It is exhausting to keep pushing this stone up hill.  All it wants to do is roll one way and that is downhill.  I'm tired and I'm sad.  

The longest lasting gift my sister gave me were these words... 

"We'll find something in common."  

Our days of making that a reality are over... but the energy behind those words needs to be transferred to my other relationships.  Can we find things in common without sacrificing each other's passions and beliefs?  I hope so.  What hope is there for humanity if we can't?  

 

Day 15: Road Trips

It's Day 15.  I am one third of the way through the journey of Authentic Lent.  So today I want to talk about road trips.  They have become a significant experience for me in the last few years, both with my husband and my mother. 

My husband and my mother are the two most important people in my life and I get to share with each of them this fun little experience of road trips.  With Manfred, our road trips are business focused.  We are on the road with work, but for me, there is always a joy of seeing new places and going to familiar locations again and again.  One of the highlights of our road trips is an annual drive to my hometown of Fort St. John.  Just being there is magic for me.  I live seven hours away from Fort St. John, so it feels far away and inaccessible to my child's heart.  But work brings us there once a year and just breathing the air is precious.  I was even able to show my husband the farm where I grew up.  That was precious.  

Our road trips have introduced me to Alberta Communities that I hadn't seen before... like Fort McMurray, Grande Cache,  Lac La Biche and Cold Lake.  The picture in this post is during our drive through the Grande Cache area.  We took the scenic route home from Grande Prairie last year.  It was a beautiful drive.  

With my Mom, our road trips have been twice a year since my sister died.  Both "traditions" were established with that loss as a foundation.  In May for Mother's Day weekend, I take Mom on a road trip.  So far we have been to Saskatchewan  and to Northern BC.  Our trip to BC involved heading back to our past.  I had the joy of taking my Mom back to the farm where we both spent ten years of our lives.  This year we plan to head to Southern BC and Southern Alberta.  Those trips include visits to family and friends.  This May, I want to drive with my Mom through the Rockies and take in the mountain scenery with her.  It will be a honour to my sister as she loved the mountains.  

Our annual fall trip is to Outlook, Saskatchewan for LCBI Homecoming.  My sister died in the summer of 2023 and that fall my Mom and I attended LCBI,  our former high school (boarding school) for what would have been my sister's fortieth year from her Grade 12 graduation.  In 2027, I will celebrate my fortieth year from high school and I wanted to go back every year in between to tie the two events together.  Both Mom and spent 3 years of high school at LCBI and Mom did two more years of Bible School.  So every year we are pretty much guaranteed to know someone at Homecoming.  I am excited to see different faces from my past come back for their honoured years.  I am looking forward to gathering with some of the members of my class in 2027. 

There are two very different purposes to my road trips with Manfred and Mom, but they both give me something of joy and excitement at the wonder and adventure involved.  As I get older, I am happy staying at home and I am happy when I get a chance to have an adventure.  I share space with both. 

The road trips are as free as I can be right now.  I am, for the most part, land locked at this time of my life.  I have dreams of flying to far away countries some day, but they are just dreams.  The road trips are my reality and I enjoy what they give me.  I don't feel like I am missing out by staying in Canada for now.  I live in a big beautiful province in a big beautiful country.  There is lots to see here.  I just need a truck and some gasoline and a partner.  I have that in my husband and my mom.  

Day 14: Christianity as Culture

I've been able to enjoy the candles on the Christmas tree at my Mom's for the last two years.  My husband and I have usually left Mom's farm on Christmas Eve before it got dark, so I've missed the candles over the years.  Christmas 2025, the candles didn't get lit at all on Christmas Eve.  Our family is small and when most of the family vanishes before the darkness comes then the candles don't get lit.  That's what happened this past Christmas. 

I did make it back to the farm on December 28 for an overnight visit.  Mom and I got to enjoy the candles on the tree that evening, just the two of us.  I got my iPhone out and found some Christmas music.  It was a tradition belated, but still an enjoyable tradition that I was pleased to take part in.  

I woke up wondering if my ability to share space with the Christian story now is because it is morphing into culture for me.  This is what I found about the word culture on an internet search... 

"Culture is the shared, learned, and dynamic system of beliefs, values, behaviours, norms, and artifacts that characterize a group of people. It acts as a guide for daily life, shaping how individuals perceive the world, express meaning, and interact with others, while also defining a group's identity."

What I admire about Jewish tradition and people is that some can embrace their story as a cultural part of their life without the need to believe in its narrative as historically accurate.  The same goes with the Indigenous communities.  Their stories are more about their group identity than about a factual narrative.   Both groups have embraced their religion as their culture.  I wonder if I am starting to do the same with the Christian story.  

I still enjoy the music.  I can sing along to gospel songs and 80's CCM tunes like I used to, but without embracing the lyrics as significant.  It is the music that brings me joy again.  My body remembers the feeling of joy and I can "rock out" alongside the likes of David Meece, Amy Grant and Petra and not feel like I am compromising my current world view. I am embracing the culture again.  

I am thankful that my Mom is okay with me enjoying the music again.  Maybe it looks different from her perspective, but we are able to still share the music, even though the lyrics reach us differently.  

I still get irritated at some religious expressions, but am finding that not all environments are as uncomfortable as they used to be when I first left.  I've been able to survive funerals a bit better.  I think the idea of culture is even meeting me in those places.  Public mourning is cultural thing in most countries.  I still get pissed with the "altar call" messages at funerals.  I don't think they have a place there, but that is my personal beef.  Maybe that too is part of the culture that I could acclimate to.  

Embracing Christianity as culture will go a long way to keeping me in those circles without damaging relationships.  It will be an inoculation of sorts. I can still be authentic.  I can still be vocal about my agnostic approach to life.  I just don't have to be as triggered or have an allergic reaction when I am around Christian activity.  This is my culture... this is what I was raised with... I can still dwell with it.   

 

Day 13: Waiting for Spring at the speed of 28.9 km/sec.

The hardest part of March is the wait for Spring.  I want to get out and plant my sweet peas.  They are the first seed to go in the ground.  As soon as the ground thaws, I plant my sweet peas.  Last year, I had finally seen my dream wall of sweet peas come to reality.  I remember the wall of sweet peas that my Oma had on the Flatrock farm and I wanted one of my own.  I couldn't pick sweet peas from her garden, so my garden became the redemption and I pick lots of sweet peas over the summer and fall to give to people.  In the fall, I let the remaining sweet peas go to seed and then I collect the seed so I can share seed with others and also have seed to plant in the spring.  I still buy a few packets to plant, but only because there is joy in doing so.  I guess I don't really need to buy more as I have plenty... but when I got for my spring shopping seed spree, I pick up some sweet peas too.  Maybe the variety addition to the garden is beneficial.  But I think its just pure joy to see the blooms on the seed packet and then I get to start dreaming.  

Spring is the only season I wait for.  Summer just comes, Fall and Winter just come.  I don't wait for them.  But I wait for Spring.  I look out over the snow laden ground and wait.  

I think Spring and my flower garden are what keep me excited about my annual trip around the Sun.  After almost fifty eight trips, I need a little motivation to look forward to another 940 million kilometre journey.  That trip could be exhausting if I felt just how fast I was going... 28.9 km/sec.  I'm so glad I don't feel it except for the passage of time on my bones and body.  

What slows me down from that 28.9 km/sec is the patience it requires to watch the snow to melt again.  

 

Day 12: Where are you Spring?

Today is March 1.  March is my favourite month for three reasons and they all are about beginnings and they happen in the last two weeks of the month.  

The Beginning of Spring... although from the picture of my garden, it doesn't look like spring is around the corner any time soon.  

The Beginning of Me ... my birthday is in March.  

The Official Beginning of my life with my husband... our anniversary is the day before my birthday.  

I went shopping yesterday for flower seeds.   My excitement at the prospect of being able to plant them came one to two months before I can actually get them in the ground.  So now I am wavering between being elated by the possibilities and depressed at reality.  I am more excited that usual to get in my garden and start the flower growing process again.  I have a new neighbour who likes flowers too.  I figure it will be a great opportunity to connect with her in nature.  

Yep... sad, depressed and mopey... time to get back to puzzling for another six weeks.  

 

Day 11: "Courage is a love affair with the unknown"

 "...to choose fear as a companion during hard times is akin to wearing a weighted vest instead of a life jacket when you're learning to swim.  The goal is to learn to coexist with our fear.  To see it clearly for what it is and understand where it comes from.  To think of fear a worried relative -- the nervous, hand-wringing cousin who's quick to anticipate disaster.  If that prophet of doom has to be along for the ride, I'm choosing to carry it around as a passenger but I will never let it get behind the wheel."  (Gillian Deacon "A Love Affair with the Unknown") 

I am reading a book, although a slow process, called" A Love Affair with the Unknown"  by Gillian Deacon.  It's one of those books that has come along beside me on my journey... not to convince me of changing direction, but to encourage me that I am already on the right path.  

Embracing the unknown like a welcome companion is where I am heading.  Certainty, for me, has been an abusive partner.  I finally had enough.  There are still unsettled waters on this journey, but I am far less concerned with the outcome.  

I am not good at making new friends.  Acquaintances, sure... but friends... that is challenging for me. I am far too comfortable with people who have been my life for decades.  They either know a lot about me and still love me, or they found out things about me and are not as excited as I am to reinforce the relationship.  I am comfortable with both.  I expect that some will stay and some will be more distant.  I try to balance the flow of information for those who are staying so they don't get too spooked.  For the most part, people who have invested decades in a friendship aren't that easily knocked off their horse.  

Making a new friend, that comes with a load of challenges.  What do I reveal about myself in the first few meetings?  How often to do we need to meet up to establish a friendship?  What are my obligations, if any, to be on my best behaviour.  When will I be able to be really real?  How long do I have to wait to call them a friend? What if they move in next door?  

When there is space between people, there is less expectations of a lot of time requirement.  However... what happens when you can just walk across the street to their house?  

The picture in today's post is of a beautiful crabapple tree that bloomed in our neighbour's yard for as long as I lived at my house.  We enjoyed it's blooms every spring as we could see it from our kitchen window.  Last year that tree was cut down as the house and yard underwent a massive renovation.  This month, there is a new homeowner.  

I've had the chance to visit her and enjoyed my initial meetings.  But that passenger, that cousin that rides in my car is distracting my driving.  Fear is creeping in and I'm not sure how to address it.  I have lost friends.  How do I not remember that feeling?  

I have spent the last year writing to strangers and far away penpals.  They seem safe.  They aren't close enough to require more of me that one or two letters a month.  But I can't hug them.  I like hugs.  I gave one to my new neighbour yesterday.  

Day 10: The Beauty of Benign Beliefs

"Beliefs aren't right or wrong... they are just interpretations of the data given.  Maybe the actions that arise out of those beliefs can be labeled as right (or helpful to the common good of humanity ) or wrong (unhelpful to the common good of humanity).  The beliefs in and of themselves are just beliefs and benign for the most part." (RN - Day 10, 2025) 

This is a postcard that I am letting go of today.  I have held on to it for at least twenty years.  Today it heads to Germany to meet up with a donkey lover and maybe a new friend.  

I wonder how fitting it would be for this postcard to be mounted in a lot of the organizations in this country.  Would it speak to a truth that no one wants to verbalize?  How many organizations are headed by a committee of people that for the most part don't behave much more dignified than these "asses".  It would explain the marketing behind such a postcard.  

Through all four readings today, I found a quote that stood out on beliefs.  It seems to line up with my donkey image quite well.  Beliefs would be okay if they were something that stayed in a person's individual being as a way to navigate life.  But so often, beliefs end up around the board room table.  That is where things get messy and breed conflict and wars.  It makes me wonder if the donkeys would have been better at those kinds of meetings than humans.  Maybe less destruction would occur if there was just some simple braying at the nonsense of consolidating beliefs into a doctrinal statement.  

I want to laugh hard when I see organizations declare beliefs as their foundation.  It seems ludicrous that when you gather a certain amount of human beings at one place, that you would think there would be an authentic consensus on previous agreed beliefs.   There has to be just as many beliefs that come to the to party as people.  But it seems necessary for these organizations to label certain beliefs as what that organization embraces as a whole.  Do all the individual humans then just automatically "believe" just because it is written down that the organization embraces those beliefs?  Why do I highly doubt that?  Conform yes, but believe, I doubt it.  

I think for people to want to be a part of the community, they will agree to sign on the dotted line as agreeing to the beliefs... and then no further thought is required as to whether they actually believe them.  I was one of them that was willing to sign without real thought as to what I was signing.  

If you gather a bunch of donkeys, their braying may sound similar.  To our human ears, we can't make any distinction between what one donkey is saying to what the other donkey is saying.  It's all noise.   That is what happens when individual minds don't have a place to be heard and understood.  In most organizations, the individual mind is not beneficial to the operation of the organization.  It is crushing for some people to figure that out after they have invested most of their life in to that system.  It's heart breaking to wake up and realize that it was never about you.  You were only a cog in a machine.  

I embrace a lot of things now solely on "belief".  Beliefs are core to every human.  They can change over time, but they are still a vital component to our existence.  What devalues them is when they are taken from the individual and forced into a corporate structure.  

I wrote last year that beliefs were benign.  Maybe they are... but benign still means they are present, they are just not dangerous to life...  until they get to the board room.    

Day 9: Curling up in another corner

"I can't understand what is so threatening about not believing in something.  There is a world of things not to believe in and a world of people not believing in them.  So why does my not believing in this one little thing make it such a big deal.  Maybe because in some people's worlds, that one "little"thing... isn't so little.  It is everything.  Maybe my not believing in "it" and being okay means that "it" may not be that big of a deal as a whole.  I can understand then that unbelief may come across as threatening.  I hope humanity evolves past this and sooner than later." (RN... 2024, Day 9)  

I have a cat bed on my puzzle table.  For the most part my cat Twinkel sleeps there.  He's the boy of the family.  I share that picture on Day 3 this year.  It keeps him off my puzzle.  He is well behaved for the most part because he has a place where he is included.  

Yesterday our other cat Sofie, came and curled up on the puzzle table bed.  She has a few other options in my office, but she chose that one.  After twelve years of sharing our house with these two feline furbabies, we have come to know a few things about them.  They like their own places, but those places are also free to be encroached on by the other.  So sometimes there might be a quizzical look from the one cat when the other cat is curled up in a spot more commonly used by their housemate.  There can be one of two responses.  One cat can chase the other cat out... which is more of a Twinkel response than a Sofie response.  The other option is that the displaced cat finds another place to curl up.  That happens more often.  

I found the opening quote in one of my Day 9 readings this morning. I think I am quite lucky to have two cats that for the most part can find another place to curl up.  That isn't how most humans behave when someone encroaches on their well established territory.  We still don't know how to share well on this planet.  We don't know how to dwell together in our differences.  We don't know how curl up in another corner when our bed has another cat in it.  Oh how I wish we could see more of that in our world.  

Day 8: The Questions I want to ask my New Doctor

 

I woke up this morning pondering how my first meeting with my new GP (Doctor) will go.  It's been over six years since I have been in to see a medical doctor.  But to my credit... I haven't been sick or sick enough to warrant a visit.  Because of that, I lost access to the clinic I was a patient at for ten years and a doctor I had for the same amount of time.  

My Mom turned me on to a female physician who is accepting patients in a town close to her home.  I jumped on that.  I have an appointment in a month to see her for the first time.  

I want to interrogate her.  That is the energy I'm feeling right now.  I guess I could just be a subservient patient and just get along with her protocol.  But I am a little more interested in what she can do for me.  I realize that because of our Alberta Health Care system, I don't have to pay (aside from my taxes) for her services.  Maybe that comes with a lot of baggage.  Maybe I don't have a right to be picky.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting to ask some questions before I commit to our "relationship". 

Do you eat meat? (I'm a carnivore.  I would like to know if she can support that regimen as a valid way of health for me.  It will be a little more challenging if she is a vegan. ) 

How old are you? (Maybe I don't have a right to ask that question.  But if she's in her 30's, then I will know that she hasn't experienced menopause yet and all her knowledge of it comes out of books and other people's anecdotes.) 

How do you view sugar? (This one is a no brainer for me.  If she hands out lollypops for the children that are in her care, then that is a red flag for me.  That tells me she's not very concerned about nutrition as a way of promoting health.) 

Will you still accept me as a patient if I refuse cancer screening? (This one is a big one for me.  I figure if I have a problem, I will address it at the time it happens.  But I am beyond needing preliminary cancer screening as I see it has  become a money maker for the medical system. I don't need regular invasive procedures just to pad her pocket book. I am already doing everything I can with my food intake to ward off cancer. News Flash... stop the intake of sugar.  Cancer cells love sugar. ) 

I can't think of any more questions right now... but I might have more given enough time.  After all, doctors here in Canada are in high demand and it's not like "Little House on the Prairie" where you can just walk into Dr. Baker's office and have his full attention.  That world doesn't exist anymore.  

I added a picture of a Ribeye steak that my husband barbecued for me.  It was delicious.  This is a picture of what keeps me alive now.  I hope I can convey that to my new G.P. somehow.  Maybe I can't ask her all the questions I want to in the ten minutes I get for our initial meeting. But maybe I can show her a picture of this ribeye and let her know that I'm in better health because of it.  

I posted about my Carnivore Journey during Lent in 2024 on "The Carnivore Atheist" .  It's been a two year journey for me so far.  I don't want to go back.  I only wish I could express that to my new doctor.  

Day 7: The Hardest Part of Love is Letting Go

 

I wonder, sometimes, if letting go gets any easier the more loss I have.  I look ahead to the possibilities of what can happen to someone I love and realize that loving them means letting go of my desire to have them around all the time.   This is a lesson I have learned so many times before.  

I was a teenager in the 80's and I heard a lot of songs back in the day.  But what escaped me a lot of the times was the artist behind the song.  A song can be so familiar, and yet when I Google it, I find that I know nothing about the band or singer that made that song so popular.  "Letting Go" is one of those songs.  

The Band is called Straight Lines.  They are a Canadian Band.  Who'd thunk!  I just learned that today.  I've had that song go through my head countless times when I have had to let go in some form or other.  What is so amazing about the lyrics is that they can make you cry over any form of love.  It doesn't have to be romantic love.  

Nine years ago, I had to let go of someone very precious to me.  Letting go the last time was preceded by a lot of previous times I had to let go of that boy.  My nephew Ben was 26 when he died in a vehicle accident.  Just that would have been enough to make it tragic... but there is much more to the story that just added to the tragedy and the additional practice of "Letting Go" involved.  

When I listened to this song this morning, the tears flooded out of me.  I looked at his picture on my wall and then looked over at the picture of his Mom who died in a motorcycle crash over two years ago.  I had to let go of her too on numerous occasions.  They are both gone and my pain is brought to life again when someone still living requires me to let go again.  I am tired of so much tragic loss in my family.  Letting go again seems like giving in to the next heart ache.  But the choice is mine to embrace the "Hardest Part of Love".  Maybe that is where Love shines the most.   

"Letting Go" by Straight Lines

They say that if you love somebody
You've gotta set them free
And if you really love somebody
You gotta let them be

Well, I don't wanna tie you down
We both need room to grow
But it's so easy havin' you around
And the hardest part of love is letting go

It's easy to depend on someone
To be part of your life
And all the time you spend with someone
Could make you hold too tight

Well, I don't wanna tie you down
We both need room to grow
But it's so easy havin' you around
And the hardest part of love is letting go

The hardest part of love is letting go
The hardest part of love is letting go

They say that if you hold on to it
It's gonna slip away
But if the feeling's really true
Then you know it's gonna stay

Well, I don't wanna tie you down

We both need room to grow

But it's so easy havin' you around

And the hardest part of love is letting go

Letting go

Letting go

The hardest part of love is letting go

(Released in 1981:  Writers David Sinclair and Bob Buckley.  Key members of the Canadian band Straight Lines included: Bob Buckley: Vocals, Keyboards; David Sinclair: Guitar; Peter Clarke: Bass; Darryl Burgess: Drums (original); Peter Padden: Percussion; Geoff Eyre: Drums)

Day 6: Labels are good for puzzles, not people.

It seems ironic that on Day 6 both Jean Meslier and Kate Cohen show up to inspire me.  

Jean Meslier, a Catholic priest, hid his atheism for his whole life.  His writings were only discovered after he was dead.  Kate Cohen, a former columnist with the Washington Post,  wrote a book encouraging people to embrace the label of "Atheist" if it was safe for them to do so.  I have both voices in my head at this juncture of my life.  

This is what I wrote in 2023 on Day 6... 

"I have to admit, it is easier to call myself an agnostic than an atheist, even through I may literally be both.  When it comes to labels, The agnostic label is a lot softer than atheist and requires less explaining.  It's why I don't like labels because they rarely define me or my journey. I don't know what lies beyond my senses, and I often don't know what lies within them.  I also can't navigate my life without  believing in something beyond myself... I just don't call it "God" and definitely don't call it the "God" I embraced for most of my life ... thus applying the atheist label, I guess."  ( RN - Day 6 - 2023) 

I am still there on the label idea.  I think labels work for puzzles.  I was at a senior's facility recently and I saw a puzzle that I might want to get one day.  I took a photo of the front picture, but realized, I needed to get the name of the puzzle as it would be easier for me to find it to order it.  

Labels don't work so well for people, even though Kate Cohen thinks they might be helpful in some circumstances.  A puzzle is what it is... a human is more complex and when looking deeper in to a person's story, it really can't be labeled to match such a mass defined term as "atheist".  I'm Ruby... I'm not Richard Dawkins, or Matt Dillahunty or Kate Cohen.  I think the biggest problem of labels for me isn't how Webster's defines them, it's how other people define them... because those definitions are much more varied than the ones you find in a dictionary.  

I am thankful for perspectives like that of Neil Degrasse Tyson.  He doesn't need a label either to describe himself.  He just tells you how he sees life.  He doesn't need to be confined to a label that can lead to so much misunderstanding.  

"I think I am scared of people.  What other explanation do I have that keeps me from being honest?  I must be scared of them.  The other option is low self-esteem.  Maybe I still don't feel like my perspective matters as a whole.  Maybe in my own world it does, but when I step out of my space into someone else's space, I am a lot more cautious.  It's not because I think peoples opinions are more valid than mine.  I can see through a lot of bullshit now, but that doesn't mean I am good at calling it out.   Kate thinks if I can... I "should".  Now I just have to figure out if I can... then doing it might actually be possible." (RN: Day 6 - 2024) 

Day 5: Giving up the need to hide myself... if only for 45 days.

 Today, I spending more time on a Sunday morning organizing my Authentic Lent posts.  I have been reading the corresponding days from the last four years each morning before I write my blog post for the day.  My organization chore is to make that process more accessible by having links for all the matching days available in a Pages Index without the need to go through the archives and find the days.  

I realize that at a touch of a button, this whole blog could disappear.  I am grateful and reliant on whoever runs Blogger to keep all my content up and available.  I could copy every blog post I've ever done into a medium that I can secure myself, but am I even going to read it once it's in storage.  Probably not.  I've written so much that most of those writings may never see the light of day again.  So I will continue to use Blogger as long as they keep the program running.  

This is an exercise of living in the moment and not having too much hold on the future.  I realize that in 5 billion years, the sun will explode and if there is still an Earth to be dissolved at that time, there won't be any memory for anyone of anything left.  Even the legacies of Tom Hanks and James Cameron and everything they've done will be gone.  That realization makes it okay to just write and not be too concerned about longevity.  

Authentic Lent isn't about having something profound to say every day for forty five days.  It's about having a space to be authentic when I don't feel like I have much space for that during the rest of the year.  I would hope that for others too.  I guess that is why my ramblings are on a blog platform and not in my computer on a Pages document.  I would hope that if anyone actually reads my words that maybe it will encourage them to find their own space to be authentic at least to themselves.  Maybe I'm not the only one who needs forty-five days to "give up the need to hide herself".  

Day 4: No truth of my own

I feel my eyes may deceive me today

I see you, but I don't

What are you really

Will I ever know beyond what others tell me

Is that the only hope I have for most things I know

That others have known them first

Am I only the carrier pigeon of someone else's discoveries

If that is the case

Then I have no place to stand

No defence

No truth of my own

Maybe my only response this morning to this picture is poetry.  I am excited at the prospect of the Artemis II mission.  I was and infant and a toddler when humans were exploring the moon up close.  But I keep my enthusiasm close to my heart.  It is only a story I embrace in my limited understanding.  I have not platform, no podium, no place to proclaim.  I can only embrace what others have discovered as what might be.  

If I lived in a world where everyone embraced the possibilities, it would be safe to share my enthusiasm.  But not everyone embraces the possibility.  So I get to stay in my own little corner of the Earth and maybe find one or two that also embrace the possibility and then we can share our excitement.  

I have lost hope that humanity as a whole will ever understand a common "truth".  There will always be discord in that which is.     

I have a Robert G. Ingersoll quote in my quote book... but he talks about God, not the moon.  But the same idea is there.

"Is there a God? 

I do not know

Is man immortal? 

I do not know

One thing I do know, and that is, that neither hope, nor fear, belief, nor denial, can change the fact.  It is as it is, and it will be as it must be."  

 

Day 3: "I don't have to be anything."

This is a picture of Twinkel sleeping on my desk this morning.  Something in me wishes I could sleep as long and as often and as free as he does.  I slept in today... to 6:20 am.  Well that's not entirely the whole story.  After being awake a few hours after my 8:30 pm descent into bed, I was just trying to catch up.  It's been three days of interrupted sleep.  

My cat lives in the moment and I wish I had more access to that superpower.  I wish a lot of things didn't matter.  I wish humans had the freedom to just be in this world.  I wish, I wish, I wish.... But that is not who we are.  We have the blessing and curse of being aware of who and what we are.  I look at humanity and see billions of coping mechanisms to try to deal with that.  It's not easy.  Life isn't as easy as find food and shelter to stay alive long enough to procreate and then die.  

I found the following in my AL readings today.  

"Dad read the National Geographic and Mom read children's books to her children. So maybe all I had coming out of my childhood was an appreciation for nature and some bible stories. They couldn't give me the wisdom of great thinkers anymore than they could give me blonde hair and blue eyes. I guess I can forgive them both" Day 3 - 2022

After 4 years of trying to figure out who I am in forty five days, I am a little more envious of Twinkel because he doesn't have that burden.  He just is.  Maybe my approach to other humans needs to be a little more like that.  Just be.  No need to be right, no need to be philosophical, no need to be defensive, no need to be understood, no need to be liked in the moment... just BE as much as you can BE. 

 Maybe that is the lesson I can take forward from this season  of Authentic Lent reflection time.  I'll be 58 in a month and nine days. Why do I need to be anything other than who I am.  

Day 3 of 2024 gave me Abraham Piper.  I will leave with one more thought... (and a Youtube Link) 

"I don't have to be anything." Abraham Piper.