Day 27: Submarines aren't built to fly, but airplanes are.

In the late nineties, I got my hands on a book by David Mason called "Shadow over Babylon" 

"The assassination plot is the brainchild of the most powerful men in government. It is manned by the most savagely skilled death team money can buy. It is armed with the most advanced weapons and technological systems on earth. It is assembled behind the backs of its own and its allies' intelligence agencies. And it is perfectly calculated to bypass the defenses of its target - President Saddam Hussein."  \(Good Reads) 

This fictional story account of the plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein was a game changer for me in so many ways.  It changed my understanding that maybe one person couldn't be ultimately responsible for the tyranny that followed the dictatorial leadership of that person.   We have seen in history so many leaders that have had their names synonymous with the destruction to their countries.  We don't seem to look farther than the head cheese to blame all the problems on.  

When I got to the end of "Shadow of Babylon", it provided me with an ongoing story after the man.  There was something bigger than the name and face often blamed.  There was something more ominous and unseen that arose after that name was taken out.  There was a system, a seemingly lifeless organism that had been given life... not by the leader, but by the people that supported it.  In the absence of the man, the system still had to live.  It was the real leader.  

My uncomfortability with Dietrick Bonhoeffer to this day is that he couldn't see past Hitler to the system that made Hitler what he became.  What did DB figure he would accomplish if Hitler was assassinated?  Did he think that all the cards to his country's tyranny lay in the hands of one man?  Maybe it's a pipe dream to think that one person can change the world... but it's reality that understands that one person does not change the world alone.  Hitler couldn't have done what he did on his own.  He needed believers.  He may have been the voice to the ideologies of his time, but he would have just been a fart in the wind if he didn't have people who came along side of him that embraced the same ideologies that he held to.  

I'm not saying that people in their own selves are not capable of destruction.  I am just understanding that the men we blame for the wars in this world aren't the only one's responsible.  The blame needs to be shared and owned by a lot more.  

This hasn't changed.  We blame our politicians today for the chaos in our countries.  We can't see past the media buzz to own our part in the mess.  I think it goes beyond our vote.  Once the tallies are in, we sit back and expect our leaders to be the best of our consciences.  Then we bicker when they don't meet our expectations, but we don't own our part in the story.  

I have no more answers as to how to fix our problems than anyone else does.  I just don't blame the problems on one body anymore.  

I did find some inspiration from Bonhoeffer in today's reading... so I will end this post with those quotes.  I see a feeble attempt at restructuring a failed system in his attempt to redirect Christianity into a social justice religion.  He's not the only one.  Tony Campolo came to mind when I was reading this morning.  But what still sticks in my mind is something Tony's son Bart shared at the Wild Goose festival in 2021

"When I see you progressive Christians at  Wild Goose trying to remake Christianity into a gay friendly, inclusive, warm and wonderful, nobody's going to hell, universalist narrative... I think you guys are brilliant, but you remind me of a bunch of engineers trying to take a submarine and retrofit it to fly.  I have no doubt that with the proper engineering skills you can take a submarine and make it fly.  But wouldn't it be easier to just start from scratch and just build an airplane?"  Bart Campolo

Christianity is and will always be a submarine.  It wasn't built to fly like an airplane, it was built to be sunk in the oceans of doctrine, dogma, rituals and regulations.  It's why there are thousands of denominational expressions that label themselves as Christianity's best expression... but they are all just attempts at flying a submarine. 

 

"I should like to speak of God not on the boundaries but at the centre, not in weaknesses but in strength; andtherefore not in death and guilt but in man’s life and goodness." DB

"So we live, in some degree, on these so-called ultimate

questions of humanity. But what if one day they no longer exist as such, if they too can be answered ‘without God’?" DB

"It is only by living completely in this world that one learns to have faith. One must completely abandon any attempt to make something of oneself, whether it be a saint, or a converted sinner, or a churchman (a so-called priestly type!) a righteous man or an unrighteous one, a sick man or a healthy one. By this-worldliness I mean living unreservedly in life’s duties, problems, successes and failures, experiences and perplexities." DB

Day 26: My Sunday Sadness

It's 8:07 pm and I just admitted to myself that I've procrastinated all day when it comes to writing.  I have been a mix of depressed, uninspired and bored. My cat looks a lot more lively in this photo that I feel right now.  There are still three weeks left in Lent and I am wondering if I have the stamina to keep up the intense mental  energy it takes to follow all these amazing minds and thinkers in their thoughts and words.   

I'm tired and just want to go to bed.  There you have it... my Sunday sadness has drained me.  Maybe I woke up feeling like I was 57.  That made me sad.  I'm the same age now that my sister was when she died.  I don't know when I will perk up with that heaviness on my heart and mind.  I'm just rambling now, trying to fill up this space with some words... all so I can read this next year and know where I was and what I was thinking on this day in history.  

Day 25: Birthdays and Postcards

2022 Day 23: Emma Goldman: The Philosophy of Atheism 

2023: Day 23: Who is Jesus ... Really?  

Today my Atheism for Lent Community gave me a beautiful birthday gift.  I was able to chat with Kate for the better part of an hour and share stories.  We missed the others that usually gather in the Saturday processing room, but I got a chance to get to know Kate a little better.  And that was precious.  

I don't know how to sum this week up.  I am thankful for the voices of the women.  I know that they are few and far between on this journey... but it's refreshing to see that their voices mattered in era they were living in when women's voices weren't all that encouraged.   

I also went through the blog posts that landed on my birthday each year.  I am thankful that this blog has allowed me to spend space with my birthdays of the last three years.  I think the memories have been helpful.  

Today, was rather uneventful in birthday space.  I still don't know how today is supposed to finish.  It's already past my bed time.  But I still want to write.  My husband is gone to bed.  Maybe I don't want the day to end.  I finished a Cobble Hill 1000 pc puzzle today that I started yesterday.  That is a record for me. It usually takes me three days to do a 1000 pc puzzle.  But I wanted to finish it today so I could post it on Instagram. 

 

I did a shout out to my Instagram community to see if there are any bites on a postcard exchange.  Not sure who wants to participate... but I did put a shout out to anyone who wanted to swap postcards.  I am looking to grow my collection of personalize postcards... and maybe clean house on some of my blank ones.   I don't know if there will be any bites... but looking forward to seeing if I can acquire some new cards, and maybe even new friends.   How precious would that be.  

Anyway... I have one more thing to put to words.  So until tomorrow... 

 

Day 24: Snow-versary

Today seemed full of so much more than my Lenten inspirations.  So today... this post will be missing any reference to Lent or the AFL material.  Today is my anniversary.  My hubby and I have been married for sixteen years today and I spent most of the day shovelling snow.  We had a dump of eleven inches over the last two days.  It is light and fluffy snow mixed with melting temperatures which makes the light and fluffy snow turn into wet and heavy.  Tomorrow is my birthday and I have more snow to move.  It's the joy of being born and married in the month of March.  I guess I am going to take what I can get.  

Tomorrow the plan is to start a major writing project.  I don't know how I will balance the inspiration and writing mojo with AFL, but I will do my best to get words down for both avenues.  Oh yeah... and I am working on a 1000 pc puzzle that I wanted to post on my birthday.  Usually it takes three days to finish a 1000 pc puzzle... so we will see how we do.  It's my first puzzle in two months.  I guess my hiatus is over... or maybe just put on hold.  

 

Day 23: Truth?

2023: Day 25 Crazy Beliefs 

"Is there truth on this planet? 

There are convictions opinions, beliefs, hypotheses, interpretations, stories,  myths, facts, fact checks, ideologies, answers, reactions,  observations, deductions, doctrines, creeds and dogma. 

There is a desire for truth. 
There is a belief in truth. 
There is an understanding of what truth could be and even a hope for truth to be real. 

But does truth itself still evade us? 

If truth is even real, I don't see it or hear it resting on this cosmic rock we call Earth, among these cosmic travellers we call humans. 

Maybe truth drops in from time to time in search of what could be a receptive soul but quickly retreats because the wars, the fighting, the division, the domination, the petty disagreements, arrogance and power. 

Me saying all this, is my conviction,  but it is not truth.  It is my opinion, my belief, my hypothesis, my interpretation ... and that is my story."  Ruby Neumann

I posted this on Whatsapp... and got quite the conversation going.  I think there is no consensus as to what truth is, never mind what is true.  English... such a vague language.  But it's all I have to make a feeble attempt to describe what is mostly indescribable.  

It was Freud day today... but there was too much to read today.  

DAY 22: I wish they mattered more

 Simone De Beauvoire 1975 interview "One is not born, but rather one becomes a woman" 

Today, I am finding it hard to find my thoughts.  This whole blog is called "Authentic Lent".  I would hope that I still feel free to be authentic here.  

Simone De Beauvoir lived in my lifetime.  We breathed air on this planet at the same time in history.  She is not just a relic of the past... she is someone who was very much part of my world.  

She died in 1985.  I remember 1985.  I was in boarding school at the time taking my Grade 11 year.  I remember studying Macbeth in English class.  I remember choir tour down to Minnesota.  I remember my grandfather's funeral.  

A voice like Simone's was not welcome in most circles in the world I grew up in.  Women knew their place and I was being trained and guided to "know my place" too.  I saw a big divide between the sexes at a young age.  There were things I didn't have because my Dad didn't see fit to give them to me... even though my mother had them.  

1.  I didn't get a middle name. My Mom had one, my dad didn't.  It was his decision.  No need for further discussion

2. I didn't attend Kindergarten.  My Mom was a kindergarten teacher when she was single.  My dad didn't think it was necessary for his daughters, so we didn't go.  I still feel a twinge of bitterness at that decision.  The kindergarten teacher I would have had to start out my schooling was a sweetheart and loved children.  Her name was Mrs. Schuster.  My grade one teacher was an abusive alcoholic by the name of Mrs. Dixon.  I wonder today if I had started out school with Mrs. Schuster if I would have had a better chance at feeling better about myself as a child.  

3.  It was Dad's decision to go back to town for church instead of staying in our farming community.  I don't think Mom would have argued the point... because she preferred her Lutheran church.  I just remember it being Dad's decision.  It definitely wasn't with his daughter's input.  

I don't remember my mother having much of a contradictory relationship with my Dad.  He had his way and that was that.  It was how he was raised and the culture he was raised in.  Woman had their place and he never questioned that.  He didn't have to.  He was a man.  

I am in my fifties now wondering if much has changed in my life.  Do I believe that I, as a woman, have the same ground as my husband or any other male for that matter?  There are moments when my past creeps up on me and reminds me... "Remember your place."  

I admire the tenacity of Simone De Beauvoir.  It is women like her that keep me inspired to believe that women's voices matter.  I just wish they mattered more.  

Day 21: Beautiful Weeds

2022 DAY 21: The Living Flowers

"The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions. The criticism of religion is, therefore, in embryo, the criticism of that vale of tears of which religion is the halo."  Karl Marx 

Because I'm reading the same passage that I read two and three years ago, I go back into my blog to see what part of that passage resonated with me, before I even read the reflection again.  I want something else to stand out for me this time.  

I think Marx understood that there was more needed than just the  debunking of the Christian Narrative.  To do that like pulling the tops off the weeds and hope they don't come back.  The roots create the plant again and again.  Pull the roots, and the weed dies.  For a well established Canada Thistle, it's not as easy to pull the roots.   Maybe that is how Marx saw the story.  Maybe he understood Christianity as a weed that needed removal... but criticism was like cutting the tops off.  It was not removing the weed.  

Three years ago, I talked about living flowers.  Canada Thistle still has living flowers that are kind of beautiful.  They are invasive as a plant and choke out a lot of other plants in the process.  They are the bullies of the vegetation world.  But they are still stubbornly beautiful.  I guess I would call them a contradiction... much like I would call Christianity a contradiction.  Interesting analogy today!  

Day 20: The God Within

2022 Day 20: "God is the explanation for the unexplainable" Feuerbach

Kudos for Deutschland Post for honouring a philosopher on a stamp.  It gives me the pleasure of knowing that one country values thinkers and confrontational thinkers at that.  

Feuerbach has helped me to a place of peace when it comes to accepting "God" as something that is real inside of a person, instead of real outside of the person.  

"A God to whom his determinateness is an insult lacks the courage and strength to exist. Determinateness is the fire, the oxygen, the salt of existence. An existence in general, an existence without qualities, is an insipid and preposterous existence. But there is nothing more, and nothing less, in God than what religion puts in him…" Ludwig Feuerbach 

I grew up around a narrative that was contradictory at its best.  Jesus was coming back some day, but Jesus also lived inside of me.  I remember having that conversation with my great uncle before he passed away.  I told him that Jesus coming back and Jesus living within couldn't logistically happen at the same time.  That was a contradiction that I couldn't ignore anymore.  I have become a little more brave to catch people on their Christian catch phrases.  I ask them to explain what they mean when they hand me one of those easy to say but harder to explain collection of words.  I am not trying to dislodge their faith... but their faith needs to be a little more secure if it is going to last the storms of life.  So my questioning commonly used idioms can't be so damaging to someone who has what they deem as a solid faith.  

"To every religion, the gods of other religions are only conceptions of God; but its own conception of God is itself its God – God as it conceives him to be, God genuinely and truly so, God as he is in himself. Religion is satisfied only with a complete and total God – it will not have merely an appearance of God, it can be satisfied with nothing less than God himself, God in person…" LF

I am enjoying the back and forth of AFL... finally.  I understand the need for balancing different views.  It keeps the story fresh and relevant.  I guess that is the whole point.  

"In order to enrich God, man must become poor; that God may be all, man must be nothing. But he also does not need to be anything for himself, because everything for himself, everything he takes from himself, is not lost, but preserved in God. Since man has his being in God, why then should he have it in and for himself? Why should it be necessary to posit and have the same thing twice? What man withdraws from himself, what he lacks in himself, he only enjoys in an incomparably higher and richer measure in God." LF. 

When I was reading through Feuerbach's reading today, I had this thought come through my mind.  Sometimes I don't know what do do with my thoughts other than my write them down and share them with the online ether.  

"When you reach out to embrace God, you will need to embrace the God that's been handed down to you.  If you want to reach outside that God that was handed down to you, you may find that there is no God to embrace." Ruby Neumann  

Day 19: Waiting for.a Woman's voice

Three weeks down already and I am wondering how this time through AFL is different for me.  Maybe it doesn't have to be so different.  Maybe it just has to be another leg of the journey.  This will most likely be my last time through Atheism for Lent.  It's time to move on again.  I don't like to stay in one camp for too long lest those voices become more like pastors than itinerant preachers.   I don't want to go back to church.  But I love to stop in once in a while in a community and see what the stories are.  I can learn a lot from a short time in those camps.  

Who am I looking forward to this week?  As I peruse the list of names slated for week four, I am hoping for a female voice to speak to me.  Can that be too much to ask.  It's not that I am tired of the old dead men... but it would be nice to find a woman's voice to connect with.  

Day 18: A Mystical Thing

 2023 Day 17 "ONE Can't Create" 

This week end the third week of Atheism for Lent and the week of the Mystics.  I think I just did a mystical thing.  I downloaded two hours of German Choral Hymn music.  Something in me was missing the music style of hymns and choral music.  This way... I can enjoy the music in a language I adore listening to... but the words are beyond my mental comprehension, so they won't interfere in the enjoyment of the moment.  

I have missed the music which is something that I mentioned this week.  I have a whole playlist of German Christmas songs that got me through the Christmas Carol season.  I don't know why I didn't think of German hymns earlier.  Some of the hymn melodies I am familiar with and some I am not.  Which is a beautiful balance.  

I think this is something I can share with my mother.  She will have the English words roll through her head while she listens and will be just as encouraged by the songs as I will just listening to the music.  I think I might have found some common ground.  I hope Mom likes it.  Today, I am glad I don't know German.  Today it is better that the words escape me.  Today I feel lifted from the doldrums that this week.  Today I can listen to music again! 

I enjoyed the Meister Eckhart Chapter in Courtney's book "Appetite for Antithesis".  I downloaded his book with the idea of maybe doing some more digging into his thoughts.  Anyone who gives me freedom to find a connection to the beyond without using the word "God" has my attention.  I think Meister Eckhart would understand me. 

“Meister Eckhart insists that anything we say about God says more about us than about God. Not only that, but: since God is beyond all human comprehension, we shouldn’t even be discussing God or trying to understand God.​ This isn’t the “Master” trying to suppress doubt or discourage question;  instead, Eckhart emphasizes that if we could understand anything about God, then God would not be God. Therefore, anything we think we have learned about God just makes us more ignorant instead of wiser." 

Courtney Cantrell

Excerpt From

Appetite for Antithesis: (De)Knowing God in a Lenten Practice

Day 17: My Break up with Jesus song

 2023 Day 14 "Haunted by the Music of Hildegarde" 

I was haunted by Hildegarde's music back in 2023.  But today... I am haunted by something else.  I am haunted by the lack of music in my life.  I am haunted by its absence.  Music was one of the biggest losses for me when I left behind the Christian narrative.  It was one of the last things to go.  I was still singing songs in my solitude long after I stopped singing them in public.  Even today, the music still sits in my brain wanting me to manifest its residual energy.  I might find myself substituting the lyrics for gibberish, just to connect with the music again.  But those moments are fleeting.  

Now, the only place music has in my life is when I need a wake up pill when I'm driving. So I will put in the Oakridge Boys or Anne Murray and sing along to keep myself awake.  Sometimes I might put on a playlist just to pass the time when I'm on the road, but songs bring emotion and emotion is not a wise thing to have when I'm behind the wheel.  It's why podcasts have become my go to for driving noise.  

There is one song that still has a special place in my heart.  This year, the song is fifty-six years old.  Almost as old as I am. "Snowbird" was written by Gene MacLellan and it was recorded by Anne Murray in 1969 and made a single in 1970.   This song has been a favourite all my life, but recently has become what I call "My break up with Jesus" song.  

I think I'm not the first woman to find a song after a breakup that resonated with the whole heartbreak story.  Snowbird seemed to fit the story and because it came from the voice of my favourite singer of all time who just happens to be Canadian, it was extra special.  

My favourite version of the song is a duet that Anne Murray sings with Sarah Brightman (of Phantom of the Opera).  It is truly my Good bye to Jesus song... but with the hope that the "peaceful waters" still flow.  

"SNOWBIRD" BY ANNE MURRAY AND SARAH BRIGHTMAN

Day 16: Choose your Hard

"I read a book that said:  

Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard.  Choose your hard. 

Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard.  Choose your hard. 

Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard.  

Starting a business is hard.  Working 9 to 5 is hard.  Choose your hard. 

Life will never be easy, but. you can choose your hard.   

Choose wisely! 

Today is another day where the inspiration came from outside the AFL reflections.  I found this little blurb on a Facebook post.  I spoke to me today.  I've never heard it put this way.  "Choose your hard". 

Something else that came up in response to an inquiry about the reflection today.  The reflection and conversation that followed was about the word "Holy"... which I also call "Sacred". 

 I said on Whatsapp... 

"Holy, or preferably Sacred for me now is more about special than perfect... maybe even flawed, but the flaws are redeemed."  

I guess I can find the sacred in flaws and find flaws in the sacred.  Maybe in choosing my hard... that is where I will find the sacred.  

Day 15: Questions for my Mother

 

I am so glad that Pete gave us a pass on consuming all the material of AFL.  It's not so much about time and energy as it is about inspiration.  Not all the Voices are speaking to me on this journey.  Today is one such voice that made me want to go sit under the stars looking for another source of heart warming encouragement.  

Today, my friend, the Big Dipper was out to greet me.  The early morning sky was still luminescent with it's array of night watchers.   Last year I dedicated a post to my friends called "Hanging out with my Ancestors:  The Real Stars ".  I learned a lot about my friend, The Big Dipper for that post. 

As I was soaking in the hot tub an connecting with the stars, I had a thought in my head.  I would like to ask my mother some questions.  I thought of my family that is no longer alive and the thing I wish I could have done more was ask them questions.  I wish I could have discovered more about them.  What were their favourite things?   What inspired them?  What were their challenges?  I realized that I still have that opportunity to do that with my Mom.  I thought of some possible questions.  Mostly light hearted, nothing too heavy and definitely nothing that can produce "Jesus" as the only answer.  Maybe that one will require more thought.  "Jesus" is the answer for a lot of things in my Mom's life.  I just think it is too easy and too vague.  So maybe when I ask her what her favourite flower is, she will come up with a flower and not "Jesus".  Then I felt somewhat guilty for not including the most important thing she has in her life... so maybe there will be a bonus question.  But it will require more than just one word.  

So my mother inspired me today.  I think today is a good day to go on the hunt for some questions.  

Day 14: God as Community

It was Day 9 when I said I wasn't ready to watch "The Shack" movie.  Well... today I was. Today's reflection got me a little excited and I wanted to go to that place where I was first introduced to a "God without balls" 

This is what I posted on Whatsapp this morning.  

Today's reflection uncovered an irritant in my spiritual journey. One that has been around for a long time.  The reflection is about "The Cloud of Unknowing" and yet the writer still addresses "God" in the masculine form. Immediate sour taste in my mouth and my being. It's what made me lose interest in the God of Christianity in the first place. I couldn't relate to a God with balls .  Maybe not a big deal for most, but for me it was huge. That's a long and painful story... but  when I still needed a God, I didn't need one reminding me that I was inadequate because I was a girl or a woman. And it seemed that the God of Christianity could only offer me a God with balls.  Eventually a little book came along that broke through that called "The Shack"... it was the beginning of letting go of the "God" that men made up.

The ironic twist of the story is that the author/s of the book were all caucasian men (two Americans, and one Canadian that lives in the States) .  That's right.  There was a team that responsible for the finished book... not just one author.  That little factoid is often hid from the public awareness.  What made these three men different is that they all valued the diversity in their God characters.  Their "God" didn't need to be white.  Their "God" needed to be understood as connected to all of humanity.  

Something that also came to mind today was that I was not wanting to tip the scales and just see "God" as female.  That wasn't anymore valuable to me that seeing "God" as only male.   However, the idea of "God" as Community... that breathed something in me that is still residual today.  

My comment on Whatsapp that I shared... 

"God" as man or "God" as woman... not as inviting as "God" as community. I guess that's why The Shack was so pivotal in my journey. It was the last "God" that I liked. Not that Papa was a woman... but that there was community and diversity in the picture of what "God " was.

I was worried that I would be triggered with watching the movie.  I think what happened was that I was able to hear the questions louder this time and the pat answers with a little less volume.  As much as the answers were a little less obnoxious than the typical Evangelical Christian responses to tragedy, there were still some cringe moments.   Courtney shared something profound on Whatsapp... 

"The Shack did the same thing for me, Ruby. That book went farther in asking me to reassess my conceptions of God than anything else had. Although by now, I've come to feel that the book doesn't go far enough." Courtney Cantrell

So now, looking back at how far I have travelled since I first encountered "The Shack"... I have to say I agree with Courtney.  It took me far, but not far enough.  I'm glad for that.  I am glad for each influence being but a stepping stone on the pathway.  That way I can't rest too long in any one camp or with any one voice.  All the voices matter.  

The Shack was my last Jesus movie and will be my last Jesus movie.  I can't find myself wanting anything more in my last and best understanding of the divine than seeing "God as Community".  If that is the last picture I ever have of "God"... it was beautiful, meaningful, memorable and inspirational. 

Day 13: Coles Notes and Chetwynd Chainsaws

 2023: Day 13: Confusing the Actor for the Character 

"It is in this sense that some men come very near to God, and others remain exceedingly remote from Him, not in the sense of those who are deprived of vision, and believe that God occupies a place, which man can physically approach or from which he can recede. Examine this well, know it, and be content with it. The way which will bring you nearer to God has been clearly shown to you; walk in it, if you have the desire. On the other hand, there is a great danger in applying positive attributes to God. For it has been shown that every perfection we could imagine, even if existing in God in accordance with the opinion of those who assert the existence of attributes, would in reality not be of the same kind as that imagined by us, but would only be called by the same name, according to our explanation; it would in fact amount to a negation." Maimonides

When I was in high school, I was introduced to Shakespeare.  In grade 10, it was Taming of the Shrew; In Grade 11, it was Macbeth and in Grade 12,  it was Hamlet.  Our teenage brains at the time couldn't translate, with much efficiency, the language that sixteen century writer was communicating in.   In order to understand the stories we were expected to understand, we discovered "Coles Notes".  (The American equivalent was called "Cliff Notes" but I'm Canadian... so we had "Coles Notes").  We couldn't pass a test or do a report if we just read the Coles Notes version of the Shakespeare play... we had to read the real thing.  But Coles Notes helped us enter into the story and understand the characters more.  

Because this isn't my first time through AFL, I have access to what I call the "Coles Notes" of AFL for me.  

1.  My own blog journey from the previous years.  When I see who is the feature voice for the day, I go into my archives and see if I had some revelation from the previous years.  I made a master list of the voices and it has helped me to navigate where each one shows up.  

2. I am following along each week with Courtney Cantrell's book "Appetite for Antithesis".    Courtney has opened up a window that brings fresh air into the reflections and a fresh perspective.  I appreciate her work and the mental sweat she put into the Atheism for Lent material.  

Once I have read through my old posts and through Courtney's chapter, I am ready to take on the reading again.  Because a lot of them are the same excerpt that I read in previous years, the challenge is to find a new inspiration and a different nugget.  That is why it's important to read what I wrote before so I'm not duplicating my thoughts.  No need for that!  

I might have gotten distracted this morning by wood carvings.   (Thank you Courtney!) 

“This reminds me of the anecdote—cited a variety of ways and attributed to a variety of people since the mid-1800s—that reads something like: to create a beautiful statue, all you have to do is chip and chisel away all the stone that doesn’t belong there (“chip away everything that doesn’t look like David”).​   What Maimonides seems to be saying is that to get at a beautiful “statue” of “God,” we chip and chisel away everything that doesn’t look like “God.”

He warns, though, that when we engage with “God” in this way, we have to have evidence that what we’re “chiseling away” truly is not one of the attributes of God. I can’t say “God isn’t pink” unless I can prove that “God” isn’t pink.​   Not sure how I’d go about that, but there we are."  Courtney Cantrell

Excerpt From. Appetite for Antithesis: (De)Knowing God in a Lenten Practice

When someone mentions carving, I don't think hammers and stone, I think chainsaws and wood.  My home province of British Columbia introduced me to the art of chainsaw art.  A town not far from where I was born in Northern B.C. called Chetwynd, hosts the Chetwynd International Chainsaw Carving Competition.  People from around the world come to this little corner of Canada to "find their art pieces in sections of tree trunks".  The town is filled with these art pieces and I hope to make a detour this May when I am in the area to check out the wooden wonders.  

I am amazed that the artists can see their art just looking at a tree trunk.  The picture is in their mind of what they want to reveal and they take their chainsaws and start cutting.  It takes skill and years of practice to hone their craft.  

Maybe that is the picture of my journey in the last few years.  I have been chipping away.  First with a "chainsaw" and then with a "carving knife".  First big chunks fall away from the tree trunk of my story and then I get to chisel the details after the bulk of the material is gone.  It's a process that is ongoing.  Those statues in Chetwynd don't happen in a day.  They take time and work.  So does the process that I and so many find themselves in on this journey.  

One more thing... I'm not a big evidence addict.  For me, I strip away the things in my life that aren't working for me or don't make sense.  I can hardly call myself one who finds evidence or even needs evidence.  I just don't have the finances or the energy to make evidence the focus of my journey.  

“If I cannot express or identify God in words, how can I ever find words to justify restraining and constraining the humans in my life? As Maimonides said, the “inscrutable oneness of God” will draw certain things out of me—and completely different things out of someone else. In this gap of what God isn’t...in this abyss...I have the freedom to be and become. The other person tarries in the same abyss, enjoying the same freedom—in an utterly different way than I do, which is no less valid.

If we allow it, this theopoetical language keeps us open to the unfathomable dimension of the Other in our daily lives. Maimonides insists that if we are to become people who do no harm, then it is essential for us to tarry in the gap—and do the work of letting it change us.​  Courtney Cantrell

Excerpt From Appetite for Antithesis: (De)Knowing God in a Lenten Practice

DAY 12: Beyond Atheism... What could that really be like?

 

Now that I look at that timeline... I realize I missed one element in the journey.  At the end of AFL 2022... I ceremoniously buried Jesus on Good Friday and come Easter... Jesus was still buried.  His grave is marked with a flat stone beneath my lilac bushes.  Right now, it's covered in about six inches of snow.  

Leading up to 2024, I had imagined that the journey ended for me at Atheism.  When I would become comfortable with that label, then I would arrive at the end.  What was beyond Atheism?  I couldn't imagine much.  Oh, I heard stories of declared Atheists that became Christians.  Names like Lee Strobel and Kirk Cameron come to mind.  That seemed like a much different journey to me than the one that I was on.  When someone starts out life removed from the Christian Narrative and then comes to find it beneficial for your life as an adult... that can't be compared to being born into a Narrative and spending most of one's life embracing one form or another of that narrative.  When the walls, that have always been there,  collapse, they can't just be rebuilt.  Something new has to emerge.  

It was Rob Bell that reminded me that life is lived forward in his Youtube Video "Everything is Spiritual" .  There is no going back.  There is only something beyond what I have now.  So what does the journey look like now?  Is there something beyond Atheism.  If being atheist isn't the end, maybe I don't even have to stop there.  I don't like to be defined by what I'm not in relation to something I used to be.  I guess that is why I just came to an Agnostic understanding and that seemed better.  But it is still not the end of the journey.  Even saying that I was Agnostic Atheist only came out in one online community where others understood what that meant.  I made it clear that the Atheism only applied to the "God" I embraced as reality for forty years.  It had nothing to do with how I saw the birth of the cosmos.  That was still Agnostic territory for me.  

I have a feeling that living in the unknown will be a permanent thing for me.  So maybe being Agnostic will still be part of what I wear, but I don't think it has to be the whole costume.  And even saying that reminds me of what Todd McGowan shares in his book "Embracing Alienation" on identity.  Identity is more like a costume that we put on our Authentic self.  It's the face people see.  

Atheism for Lent brings us to the end of "Atheism"  or what Pete calls "The Negation" after week two.  We still have three weeks to discover what lies beyond the Negation.  This is my third time through Atheism for Lent... and I think it's the first time I am excited to get to what lies beyond.  I am not scared of the possibility anymore because I am looking for something beyond now.  

I don't think I will ever find myself fluent in the language of Pyrotheology.  I am not here to learn a new language and sometimes that even detracts from what I am trying to learn by being a part of the AFL community.  There is something here for me... but not everything. I admire what Peter Rollins has contributed to the story.  I like that the whole journey is about becoming content with the holes.  That is my story.  I want to become content with the holes, because there is no filling them anymore.  Those days of believing that are over for me. The holes are there to stay.  

Day 11: A Little Crazy is Okay.

AFL 2023: Day 11 Exist or not Exist:  Why are we still asking the question?  

I Posted this on the AFL Whatsapp this morning.  

"I've been enjoying "Crash Course " YouTube philosophy breakdowns. With Gasking's poetic response to Anselm today... I thought this was an interesting video.  (Anselm and the Argument for God)  He makes things more digestible for me.  This Hamlet dance of existence or not existence can be entertaining, thought provoking and conversation fodder for awhile, but I don't want this to be the focus for me in my relationships.  I'd rather like to find myself a gathering of humans that don't need the answer to this.  A gathering where our shared humanity is the reason we find ourselves together.  Where "God" isn't the elephant in the room." 

I have been in rooms where people are gathered because there is a shared humanity of sorts... but somewhere hovering over the room is the feeling that someone will mention the elephant.  We didn't gather because of our shared understanding of the elephant... but people bring their understanding in to the room and it hovers like it's waiting to knock over some tables. 

I asked the question two years ago... "Why are we still asking the question?"  I realize that some people need to believe and some don't.  So can't we leave it at that? Why the need to dance around the evidence or lack there of and try to prove anything?  I have a narrative and I value it's place in my life, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox.

I still think that people need other people to embrace their own beliefs because it validates them for their own self.  If someone else believes this, then I am okay to believe it.  I'm not crazy.  Well,  maybe a little crazy is okay.  

I like talking to the stars and the moon and my dead relatives and critters and even to myself on occasion.  This doesn't require medication to stop my behaviour... this just requires understanding that we all need our own way of navigating life with its ups and downs.  It doesn't have to look like my neighbour's life or even have a remotely similar vibe to it.  

I spend decades in Evangelical Christianity... which I now call the "Borg" of world religions.  As a Star Trek fan, I always admired the live and let live attitude I found in the cultures that showed up on that show.  The Humans had no need to convert the Klingons.  There seemed to be a beautiful co-existence among the the interstellar species.  Then came the Borg.  They took the Zen of the cosmos and just barged in and demanded that everyone become like them.  It was "perfection" they claimed for everyone to be Borg.  In the Star Trek universe, they were the ultimate enemy.  Why was that?  What is it in humanity that repels the idea of conformity?  Why can't Christians see that they are doing the same thing with Planet Earth?  

And if I had answers to all those questions... I wouldn't need to blog my frustrations on an annual basis.  

Day 10: Kant's Conundrums

Today I am feeling analytical and heady.  I figure I would try and add my toonie to Immanuel Kant's thoughts and see where I lie in how he sees some pretty major issues that often plague people today.  Let's play with antinomies. An Antinomy:  Contradiction, Paradox or Mind Twisting Conundrum.  

Kant described four antinomies. Two "mathematical" and two “dynamical”:

1. Whether the universe has a beginning

2. Whether objects consist of indivisible atoms

3. Whether there is free will

4. Whether there is a God

In each of these, he attempts to demonstrate that pure reason can be used to bring to opposite positions, thus pure reason is not equipped to help us grasp reality as it is in itself, for he believes that ultimate reality could not be contradictory.

The first antinomy (of space and time)

• Thesis:

◦ The world has a beginning in time, and is limited in terms of space

• Anti-thesis:

◦ The world has no beginning, and no limits in space

I see two camps, each with their own flags.  I can understand why each camp needs their flags.  Maybe the flags are different designs and colours, but they reflect the character of the members of that camp.  This isn't a "pick one or else" decision.  It is a wrestling with the  possibility that both are right and both are wrong or "right and wrong" doesn't even apply here.   This doesn't have much to do with morals in my understanding.  Beliefs aren't right or wrong... they are just interpretations of the data given.  Maybe the actions that arise out of those beliefs can be labeled as right (or helpful to the common good of humanity ) or wrong (unhelpful to the common good of humanity).  The beliefs in and of themselves are just beliefs and benign for the most part.  

I think there are three ways to look at the whole question of the beginning of the cosmos.... It began, it was always been there or "That's above my pay grade to even try to formulate an opinion."    The third is really resting in the unknown.  That is a valid position to hold.  That is the only free place for me to camp.  The other two options require more answers that I am ready to provide at this time in my life.  

The second antinomy (of atomism)

• Thesis:

◦ Every composite substance in the world is made up of simple parts, and nothing anywhere exists save the simple or what is composed of the simple

• Anti-thesis:

◦ No composite thing in the world is made up of simple parts, and there nowhere exists in the world anything simple

Okay... out of all four conundrums, this one is my favourite to embrace.  I realize that believing that I am made up of particles and atoms may require me to prove it.  Sorry... I don't possess a microscope that can see my cells, never mind my atoms.  But I like the story and people smarter than me have figured it out.  I think my whole world experience tells me that everything is made up of smaller parts.  That is just how it works.  Everything can be broken down into parts.  So why not go smaller than the parts all the way to particles.   Why not believe that some of those particles can go back 17.8 billion years.  I find that attractive, romantic and downright poetic.  It's not a stretch for me to embrace that.  I have as much evidence for atoms as I have for the beginning of the universe... but atoms... they make sense.  

The third antinomy (of spontaneity and causal determinism)

• Thesis:

◦ Causality in accordance with laws of nature is not the only causality from

which the appearances of the world can one and all be derived. To explain these appearances it is necessary to assume that there is also another causality, that of Spontaneity

◦ There is no Spontaneity; everything in the world takes place solely in accordance with laws of nature

Free will.  I figure this has to be on the top ten of contentious conundrums to contend with.  I was that kid that believed that as soon as I was an adult, I was free to do whatever I wanted.  No more restrictions from parents, teachers or other adults in my life.  Now that I am in my higher fifties... I can understand that one's freedom diminishes over time.  Maybe your parents aren't the restriction anymore, but the world introduces an abundance of obstacles that restrict freedom and the ability to express your will in any given moment.  

Today, I would like to go for a drive.  The six inches of snow that dropped yesterday pose a problem for me.  My conundrum is this... "Is it safe for me to drive over two hours today with just my all-season tires?"  It's only 7:32 and I don't have to decide in this moment.  But I don't think free will has anything to do with my decision to go out today.  I would like to be at the destination.  That is my will today.  But am I free to do it without the risk of consequences?  Nope.  So maybe it's not a will that is free.   Every decision costs something.  Every choice has it's risks whether those risks are known at the time of the decision's execution or not.  

Do I have free will?  Nothing is free.  That is the lesson that time and experience teaches a person.  

• Anti-thesis:

The fourth antinomy (of necessary being or not)

• Thesis:

◦ There belongs to the world, either as its part or as its cause, a being that is absolutely necessary

• Anti-thesis:

◦ An absolutely necessary being nowhere exists in the world, nor does it exist outside the world as its cause

Labels are so tricky.  Put a label on something and that label now communicates to the world what you intend it to mean.  NOT!  The only thing a label does is enact a person's own understanding of how they see that thing that has that label.  Thus my dislike for labels.  

What is "being"?  The statement put the "an" in front indicating that it is referring to a noun.  Something.  Some Thing.  So the question is... is Some Thing necessary to make this existence exist?  I think Some Thing is necessary... but the jury is out on what that Some Thing is.  Just like it takes two humans to make one human, I will surmise that it takes Some Thing to make something, even the universe.  Again... the details and the data are beyond my pay grade. 

If the beginning of everything was the Big Bang... I can still call that Some Thing.  But what I won't call it is a "Being".  I won't give it any more character or life than it came with.  It is Some Thing and that is as far as I'm willing to take that story.  

Peter Rollins / Ruby Neumann 

Here's another "Crash Course" on Philosophy.  I like this guy.  He makes this stuff rather interesting.  

 Kant and Categorical Imperatives.  

DAY 9: Evil... A problem... just not one to be solved.

 

It's almost the end of the day.  I usually do my AFL blog posts in the morning.  I've been thinking of this reflection all day.  How do I even start to address the whole subject of "EVIL". 

I looked at my list of Authentic Lent Voices... and J.L Mackie doesn't appear yet.  So this year is the first time Mackie shows up.  I must have missed him before... because he showed up for Courtney.  

I read her chapter again and there is a gut punch when I try to comprehend, through Courtney's words, what a mother feels like... 

“If my kid exercises her free will to step out into traffic, I am sure as hell going to yank her back to safety. If my kid exercises her free will to bully another kid, I am sure as hell going to step in and make her stop. If my kid chooses to date someone who manipulates and abuses her, I am sure as hell going to do everything in my power to alter that situation to her benefit.​

So if I, as a human mother, love my child enough to keep her from experiencing/causing permanent damage to herself/others, thereby negating her free will, then why doesn’t this allegedly wiser-and-more-loving-than-me God deal with “God’s children”/humans the same way?”  Courtney Cantrell  

(Excerpt From Appetite for Antithesis: (De)Knowing God in a Lenten Practice)

I am so glad Courtney paints this picture that looks "free will" in the face and says "Really?".  When it comes to explaining why there is evil in the world... the Christian's first excuse is "free will".  Thank you Courtney for giving me the perspective of a real loving parent.  

Mackie makes his point clear in this reflection about the contradiction that evil presents to a belief in "God". 

 

"… In its simplest form the problem is this: God is omnipotent; God is wholly good; and yet evil exists. There seems to be some contradiction between these three propositions, so that if any two of them were true the third would be false." J. L. Mackie

I laid in bed this morning after finding out what the subject was and pondered how I made it for over five decades without feeling the weight of the contraction that Mackie felt.  I came to one conclusion... I must have believed in my core that "God" was not omnipotent... but more likely impotent.  

Oh I probably signed somewhere that I believed in the omnipotence of "God". But since the problem of evil never came up for me as a conflict, I can only surmise that evil was separate from "God".  I didn't find "God" responsible for the evil of this world anymore than I could blame "God" for the tragedies in my own life.  The math never added up.  I think for the most part, I needed the love of "God" more than I needed to understand the evil in the world.  The love mattered more.  To even think that I had to blame my best friend at the time for the pain in my life... well that was unthinkable.  

It wasn't until a couple of years after my nephew's death, that I picked up a book by Thomas Jay Oord called "God Can't" that confirmed what was bubbling inside of me all along.  Love and Control can't coexist in the same space.  

I reread my written thoughts at the time I read the book, and there is still some indication that I was surprised by the claim that "God Can't, but as I try to see myself over the years, I have to say now that I don't think I ever believed that "God Could".  I don't remember the struggle with having to fit "God" into the narrative of evil.  I can't explain it... I just don't remember the dance.  I don't remember having to defend "God" for the evil of the world or my heartache.  I kept "God" in the love box and that is where "God" stayed.  

One book that sparked my transition away from my traditional view of the Christian narrative was "The Shack".  It is a book about evil and "God" in the midst of that evil.  I have been debating all day if I should do a rewatch of the movie.  I still have it downloaded in my movie collection.   Do I want to see how the story tries to fit "God" into the problem of evil?  Maybe not today.  I remember one line from the movie from Papa when she addressed Mac at breakfast.  She told him that his problem was that he didn't think that she ("God") was good.  "I am good".  Okay... so that takes care of one of the three of Mackie's statements.  The fact that evil exists was the premise of the movie.  Mac's daughter was brutally murdered. 

So all that is left to discover is how they danced around the omnipotence of "God".  That is where I might have to watch the movie again or read the book.  I'm just not feeling like I want to open that box up again.  That story was pivotal in my journey.  I don't think I want to open myself up to the emotion of watching it again and seeing how the Christian narrative tries to answer the unanswerable question of evil.  That is why the book was written and why the movie was made.  People needed answers and "The Shack" was an attempt to try to provide one.  I just think imagining "God" showing up at a lakeside cottage in the part of three people doesn't cut it for me anymore.  

I won't be watching the movie tonight.  I am content to just say for this post that it's most likely that nothing is in true control.  Maybe something started this universe but it has no interest in the minutia of my life.  That is the most freeing feeling ever.  Because I don't have to give that thing any praise for the good stuff while trying to balance  the vitriol for its part in the world's evil or my sour circumstances.  I can just say... this is the world I live in.... no explanation needed, no defence required and no dance to perform.  

I did listen to a video that helped summarize the problem of evil from a philosophical approach.  It was a nice synopsis the the day.  I will end with this.   

The Problem of Evil: Crash Course Philosophy #13