Day 11: The Invisible Gardener and my Struggle with Authenticity

Once upon a time two explorers came upon a clearing in the jungle. In the clearing were growing many flowers and many weeds. One explorer says, "some gardener must tend this plot." The other disagrees, "There is no gardener." So they pitch their tents and set a watch. No gardener is ever seen. "But perhaps he is an invisible gardener."

So they, set up a barbed-wire fence. They electrify it. They patrol with bloodhounds. (For they remember how H.G. Wells's The Invisible Man could be both smelt and touched though he could not he seen.) But no shrieks ever suggest that some intruder has received a shock. No movements of the wire ever betray an invisible climber. The bloodhounds never give cry. Yet still the Believer is not convinced. "But there is a gardener, invisible, intangible, insensible to electric shocks, a gardener who has no scent and makes no sound, a gardener who comes secretly to look after the garden which he loves." At last the Sceptic despairs, "But what remains of your original assertion? Just how does what you call an invisible, intangible, eternally elusive gardener differ from an imaginary gardener or even from no gardener at all?” 

 (John Wisdom and Antony Flew)

What have I to gain by embracing belief in an invisible gardener or imagining an invisible gardener or just totally negating the idea of a gardener all together.  It seems that I have to choose and maybe I don't want to choose.  Maybe I don't mind believing, imagining and negating.  Maybe all three have value in the world I live in and with the people I live with.  

My biggest struggle as of late has been that of authenticity.  Do I have to pick a side and show it and even prove it?  Is that what being real is all about?  Or is there more to it.  Maybe it's not about picking a side for life, as much as it is to side with Love and how and where that Love wants to manifest itself.  Maybe in one place or with some people it is more loving to believe.  Maybe imagining is more loving and maybe even struggling and negating is more loving.  Maybe it isn't always the same in every place and with every person... and I think that is the case... so I don't even need a maybe.  

Something the Enneagram has taught me is that authenticity isn't an obvious longing for everyone.  It seems to show up as a longing with those who are more heart focused.  So if it isn't a requirement for living, maybe then it is okay if I limit my authentic moments to those places and with those people with whom it matters.  

I have noticed that not too many people are asking me to reveal my inner soul with them.  Most just enjoy my presence on a social level and express that.  Much beyond that can get awkward.  I have been feeling the lack of the deep places in my relationships,  but I am seeing more clearly that its not always  required to navigate life.  Aaahhhh the journey... 

DAY 10: Learning from Robert Ingersoll

Day 10... 1/4 of the way through the journey called "Atheism for Lent".   And I've learned so much and downloaded more reading material that I can digest in forty days.  

Today I am heavy with thought.  Bart Campolo has introduced me to Robert Ingersoll over and over again on the "Humanize Me" podcast.  Ingersoll is a big influence for Bart and I can understand why.  There is so much depth in the dives of his thoughts.  I had to share a few quotes that I gleaned from my internet search.  I will end this post with a few of them.  

I had to download his work for further reading, but it may take time... I'm still reading Jean Meslier and Pete Rollins.  

When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust.  ROBERT GREEN INGERSOLL, Why I Am An Agnostic

We can be as honest as we are ignorant. If we are, when asked what is beyond the horizon of the known, we must say that we do not know. We can tell the truth, and we can enjoy the blessed freedom that the brave have won. We can destroy the monsters of superstition, the hissing snakes of ignorance and fear. We can drive from our minds the frightful things that tear and wound with beak and fang. We can civilize our fellow-men. We can fill our lives with generous deeds, with loving words, with art and song, and all the ecstasies of love. We can flood our years with sunshine -- with the divine climate of kindness, and we can drain to the last drop the golden cup of joy.

ROBERT G. INGERSOLL, "Why I Am an Agnostic", The Works of Robert G. Ingersoll

Great virtues may draw attention from defects, they cannot sanctify them. A pebble surrounded by diamonds remains a common stone, and a diamond surrounded by pebbles is still a gem.

ROBERT G. INGERSOLL, The Great Infidels

Justice is the only worship.
Love is the only priest.

ROBERT G. INGERSOLL, The Philosophy of Ingersoll

Take theology from the world, and the money wasted on superstition will do away with want.

ROBERT G. INGERSOLL, Six Interviews with Robert G. Ingersoll on Six Sermons by the Rev. T. De Witt Talmage

It is hard for many people to give up the religion in which they were born; to admit that their fathers were utterly mistaken, and that the sacred records of their country are but collections of myths and fables.

ROBERT GREEN INGERSOLL, Some Mistakes of Moses

Mankind will be enslaved until there is mental grandeur enough to allow each man to have his thought and say. This earth will be a paradise when men can, upon all these questions differ, and yet grasp each other's hands as friends.

ROBERT G. INGERSOLL, Some Mistakes of Moses

It may be that ministers really think that their prayers do good, and it may be that frogs imagine that their croaking brings spring.

ROBERT G. INGERSOLL, "Which Way?"

There is but one blasphemy, and that is injustice.

ROBERT GREEN INGERSOLL, lecture, Chicago, September 20, 1880

Day 9: Seeing the people behind the words

 

What kind of legacy am I leaving behind and is it even important that I leave one?  

Four years ago, I started thinking about leaving behind something.  I was turning fifty and was feeling forgotten.  So I started Youtubing.  I figured that if I took some video footage of me just talking about some things.  I figured I would, if nothing more substantial, be leaving a memory of me behind for people who loved me.  It seemed important at the time.   

I had been writing for a long time already, but my words seemed to fall on deaf ears for the most part.  Some have valued my written words, but most have just valued me.  I guess I would rather be valued for me than for my words, but my words are like children to me.  What mother doesn't want her children valued?  I feel the same way about my cats.  

As I venture more into skeptic thought and an agnostic understanding of life, my words seem to become more meaningless to those around me.  I don't blame them.   My words would mean nothing to the Ruby of twenty years ago.  I was convinced that reading anything outside of my religious convictions was dangerous to my soul.  I had almost no interest in understanding anyone who didn't share the ideology I carried.  I say almost, because in my life there has been one woman who has never shared my religious ideologies, but has been my longest friend.  I think she was an anomaly that I could have learned more from.  I could have taken that relationship and made it my guide for my other interactions in the world... but I didn't.  So the years went by and I stayed in my world.  

When fifty came, I found myself wanting to leave a legacy, but without the one person who I wanted to leave a legacy for.  "Who am I now that my words need to matter?"... is a question I often ask myself.  That one person who I am without... my words didn't matter much to him either... at least enough to let me know they mattered. Maybe they did matter, but he died without telling me.  But one thing I know... I mattered to him.  Maybe that is the legacy I really need to leave behind.  I need to leave myself more than my words.  But sadly enough.... the only thing that will survive my death is my words.  I just hope enough of me is visible between the lines and around the syllables.  Maybe that is all a writer can hope for after they die.  

Today, I heard the words of Charles Darwin.  I saw some of him left behind in his words, and I could connect.  His story is not unlike my own.  But I wonder if most don't know his story, because, like me, they didn't take the time to see him through and around his words.  This is what I am gaining in "Atheism for Lent".  I am getting a chance to see the people behind the words.  

 

Day 8: When are you going to quit playing the game, Charlie Brown?

 

I am a big Peanuts fan.  I have been since I was a child.  I didn't look a lot like Charlie Brown, but inside, I felt like him.  I felt like that kid who wanted to belong, and would do almost anything in order to belong.  But I had my limits.  I think Charlie Brown taught me at a young age that a kid can get taken advantage of real quick if they play too long.  But he never quite got to the point of holding his "NO!" to Lucy's persistence to play.  Either he trusted too much, or hoped things could be different.  But the end was always the same.  He found himself flat on his back.  

Today, I learned again how easy it is to be fooled by people.  Every time it gets harder to trust the Lucy's of this world.  They seem so eager to prove themselves worthy of my trust, and maybe they are deceiving themselves along with deceiving the one running at the ball.  Maybe Lucy really believed she could change and play nice.  

But when it comes to approaching the game with some wisdom... it's not about changing Lucy's way of playing the game... it's about not playing the game with Lucy anymore.  

Day 7: Finding Life after Death in Jean Meslier

"But I declare to you that I was never without pain and extreme loathing for what I was doing. That is also why I totally hated all the vain functions of my ministry, and particularly all the idolatrous and superstitious celebrations of masses, and the vain and ridiculous administrations of sacraments that I had to do for you. I cursed them thousands of times to the core when I had to do them, and particularly when I had to do them with a little more attention and solemnity than normal when I saw you come to your churches… to hear with a little more devotion what they make you believe to be the word of God…But as [I must] keep silent at present, I will at least, in a way, speak to you after my death." Jean Meslier

Jean Meslier lived after he died... in his words.  His words that were the heart of his soul and the truth of his discovery were not unleashed until after he died.  Oh what freedom I could feel if I could just write while I am alive and not be burdened by exposing myself until I can breathe no more, and then my words get to breathe for me.  

Did Meslier feel like he was living his life as a hypocrite?  That is my biggest fear.  That is why I haven't buried my words in the sand only to be uncovered after I'm gone.  I want to expose myself, but with limitations so as not to sacrifice the security of my social connections.  I want to be loved... not hated for what I write. 

"Religion is handed down from fathers to children as the property of a family with the burdens. Very few people in the world would have a God if care had not been taken to give them one. Each one receives from his parents and his instructors the God which they themselves have received from theirs; only, according to his own temperament, each one arranges, modifies, and paints Him agreeably to his taste." JM

"Very few people in the world would have a God if care had not been taken to give them one."  I really need to digest this one.  

I have been trying to discover that which gave me breath beyond that understanding that was given me all my life by a lot of different sources.  Someone took great care to pass along a "God" to me and if it has been only one "God", I might still be embracing that which was passed down.  But because I was given... no... bombarded with... a "God" that had more faces than the Greek pantheon or the Hindu deities, I started my slide away from that "God".   I have to own up to my part in the introduction of that "God".  I went looking for different faces throughout my life.  Maybe I got bored, I could list the excuses, but they will fall short in giving anyone an understanding of what sent me on my journey.  

Prejudice tends to confirm in us the opinions of those who are charged with our instruction. We believe them more skillful than we are; we suppose them thoroughly convinced themselves of the things they teach us. We have the greatest confidence in them. After the care they have taken of us when we were unable to assist ourselves, we judge them incapable of deceiving us. These are the motives which make us adopt a thousand errors without other foundation than the dangerous word of those who have educated us; even the being forbidden to reason upon what they tell us, does not diminish our confidence, but contributes often to increase our respect for their opinions. JM

I started reading Meslier's book "Superstition in All Ages"  because when I went into iBooks, I couldn't access "Testament" in English...and my French is very lacking.  For the most part I am reading a man who was wise beyond his years.  He died at 55, and I will be 54 this year.  So already he had accumulated his thoughts by the time he was my age.  Yet he couldn't expose himself to the outside world. 

I find a great amount of compassion for him. Maybe he was a product of his time.  Maybe he needed to keep his greatest awareness of life a secret.  Maybe he had no other choice.  Maybe he had a choice and chose not to upset the apple cart.  So many wonderings.  I live three hundred years after this man and my world is very different.  I can hide my rantings on the internet and still have a life outside of them.  I test the waters occasionally with my friends and family, but maybe that isn't the wisest thing to do.  Maybe... so many maybes.  

I think I am the only one asking that I be authentic.  I think I am the only one longing to be known and understood in the space that I dwell.  I don't think many need my thoughts and deductions as much as they need my love and compassion.  

I wish I had this all figured out.  I wish could I transport myself back to the late 17th century and ask Jean Meslier why he did what he did.  Maybe he would have no answers for me, but just a life that was lived the best way he knew how to live.  But three hundred years later, I have access to his words.  And he just wrote them down on parchment paper.  

"I’m particularity taken by the life and work of Jean Meslier because of the way that he shows how the best atheistic critiques arise out of the very ground they reject. The greatest ‘enemies’ of the faith often know that life intimately, have dedicated their lives to it and have first hand knowledge of the inconsistencies, antagonisms, deadlocks and contradictions. For some philosophers, it is only the truly religious figure who can actually transcend religion. The reason for this lies in the idea that religious sentiment is almost impossible to get rid of - persisting in secular ways through the pursuit of wholeness in money, fame, fitness etc. Nietzsche once wrote that, ‘after the Buddha had died it is said that his shadow remained on a cave wall for thousands of years,’ he then claimed that, ‘the shadow of God remains after the death of God, and must also be removed’. Here he was referring to the religious sentiment in secular life.

It is hard to find a better expression of this idea than in the work of Meslier, who lived a simple life devoid of any desire to find salvation in money, religion or reputation. He not only rejected the religious God, but seemed to live a life freed from the very shadow of that God." Peter Rollins

Day 6: The Wounded Dove

"Son of Protagoras is a large, looming figure painted by the famous French Graffiti artist MTO and can be found in Belfast, N. Ireland. The figure is located across the road from St Anne’s Cathedral. The angry gaze of the son of Protagoras is directed at cathedral, which can be seen through a gap in some buildings.

The figure cradles a dead dove that has been pierced by two arrows bearing the cross of the Knights of Malta and the Latin cross. The artist made this work as a comment on the conflict that once raged between Irish Catholic nationalists and the Protestant unionists. A conflict that was bound up in religious identity.

The piece is rich with powerful symbolism. A dove - representing peace - has been killed by two arrows - representing the Protestant and Catholic sides of the divide. The son of Protagoras looks with anger at the Cathedral, which represents institutional religion. 

Peter Rollins

In the TV series "Touched by an Angel" a white dove is the visible  representation of the presence of the Divine Connection or Spirit.  

This mural not only symbolizes an attack on peace, but it seems ironic that "God" is being wounded by the arrows from the people who claim to follow "God".   It is eerie.  What other manifestations of the Divine are we shooting down because of anger, fear, confusion and gross misunderstanding.  Maybe it is as simple as a bird.  

"Concerning the gods, I cannot know either that they exist or that they do not exist; for there is much to prevent one's knowing: the obscurity of the subject and the shortness of man's life." 

Protagoras  480 - 411 BC

I have no picture of the Divine, and maybe all I will be able to surmise for the rest of my journey is that the Divine is what connects the energies of the birds and the wind and the earth and humans together.  Maybe it doesn't need much labeling after that.  But whatever that is... can we in good conscience still shoot our arrows into it.  Maybe that is the best reason to step out of our ignorance and see that dove for what it is... our connection to everything else that matters.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then He is not omnipotent. Is He able, but not willing? Then He is malevolent. Is He both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is He neither able nor willing? Then why call Him God?

 Epicurus 341 - 270 BC 

One of the reasons I don't like the term God is that it is so vague. I also don't want to label the Creator of the Cosmos with a word that has been reduced to a common cuss world. (God, Jesus, Jesus Christ)... If we are going to discuss the possibility of something or someone that started this whole Universe... then it has to carry more weight than a swearword. 

"Undisturbed by fears and unspoiled by pleasures, we shall be afraid neither of death nor of the gods."

Seneca the Younger (c. 4 BC – AD 65)

The wise man who courageously conquers desire, suffering, and anxiety "surpasses God himself." He is above the God who by his natural perfection and blessedness is beyond all this. On the basis of such a valuation the courage of wisdom and resignation could be replaced by the courage of faith in salvation, that is by faith in a God who paradoxically participates in human suffering. But Stoicism itself can never make this step.  Paul Tillich

I don't want to conquer any of my suffering.  I want to be able to journey alongside of it, for it is my wisest companion and greatest teacher.  

The main reason for starting this week with these three thinkers however is to show how they start a type of dialectic journey by beginning to question the beliefs of the day. Instead of thinking of these individuals as making definitive statements designed to stop a conversation, I hope that you can see how they are actually sparking off a conversation. A conversation that has been going on ever since, and will continue long after we are gone. Peter Rollins

Day 5: Finding Courage in Jean Meslier

IX.—ORIGIN OF SUPERSTITION.

"How is it that we have succeeded in persuading reasonable beings that the thing most impossible to understand was the most essential for them. It is because they were greatly frightened; it is because when men are kept in fear they cease to reason; it is because they have been expressly enjoined to distrust their reason. When the brain is troubled, we believe everything and examine nothing." Jean Meslier

This week, I started reading Jean Meslier.  He was a French Priest born in 1664.  He lived and worked as a Catholic priest, but wrote as an atheist.  His words came out after he was dead.   

I am not daring to read such thoughts as much as the thoughts are daring me into a space I could never have travelled thirty, twenty and even ten years ago.  

XII.—RELIGION ENTICES IGNORANCE BY THE AID OF THE MARVELOUS.

"If religion was clear, it would have fewer attractions for the ignorant. They need obscurity, mysteries, fables, miracles, incredible things, which keep their brains perpetually at work. Romances, idle stories, tales of ghosts and witches, have more charms for the vulgar than true narrations. " JM

I downloaded "Superstition in all Ages".  It was a dollar download, and this week in AFL, we will be introduced to him in our readings.  But I am jumping the gun... only because of a computer glitch that introduced me to him a little earlier than maybe Peter planned.  I was listening to the reading yesterday, and after it was over and the music was done, Sound Cloud moved on to a reading of Jean Meslier and it captivated me (the link is posted below)  so I downloaded the only available book in Ibooks and its short excerpts are riveting.  

XVII.—IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE CONVINCED OF THE EXISTENCE OF GOD.

"Can one honestly say that he is convinced of the existence of a being whose nature is not known, who remains inaccessible to all our senses, and of whose qualities we are constantly assured that they are incomprehensible to us? In order to persuade me that a being exists, or can exist, he must begin by telling me what this being is; in order to make me believe the existence or the possibility of such a being, he must tell me things about him which are not contradictory, and which do not destroy one another; finally, in order to convince me fully of the existence of this being, he must tell me things about him which I can comprehend, and prove to me that it is impossible that the being to whom he attributes these qualities does not exist." JM

In listening to Peter Rollins weekly talk for AFL2022 on Youtube, he encouraged us to read and listen without agreeing or disagreeing. I find it absolutely freeing to read a lot of literature that comes my way like that.  Just to read it and take it in without having any conclusions about the material.  Sometimes I think "That makes sense."  but most of the time, I am finding myself thinking "I can understand where that thought comes from."  Maybe I don't agree or disagree, but I can understand why the author, in this case Jean Meslier, was brave enough to write the words.  As I read his words, I find courage in them.  Mine is not to agree or disagree right now.  Mine is to find courage.  

XXVIII.—TO ADORE GOD IS TO ADORE A FICTION.

"In order to avoid all embarrassment, they tell us that it is not necessary to know what God is; that we must adore without knowing; that it is not permitted us to turn an eye of temerity upon His attributes. But if we must adore a God without knowing Him, should we not be assured that He exists? Moreover, how be assured that He exists without having examined whether it is possible that the diverse qualities claimed for Him, meet in Him? In truth, to adore God is to adore nothing but fictions of one's own brain, or rather, it is to adore nothing." JM

About Jean Meslier (From the Story of Civilization)